don't panic, don't panic

Terrified.

I now have lost all confidence in my future. Paul didn't get into Duke. He got wait listed. How? His SAT score was higher that mine. His GPA is only .2 points lower than mine. He's in the top ten of his class. He's taken AP courses and IB courses and all honors classes and he's well-rounded and active in school and community service and how the fuck did he not get into Duke????

It scares me so much. If he can't get into his first choice school (albeit a competitive school with a selective admissions where only 1700 people get in out of 23000 applicants) then how am I supposed to get into my first choice school which only accepts about 1500 students out of a large pool of applicants who are probably more artistic than me and will have more impressive applications filled with AP courses and art classes and everything that I don't have. It scares me to think that I might not end up at the school I want to go to. I know there's always graduate school but that's not what I want.

I hadn't realized until today how competitive and selective it really was. All I hear at my school is how people got accepted. I guess I should have realized these people were being accepted to USC and Clemson and CCU and other in-state schools that aren't worth anything in my eyes. These schools that are my very very last choices, that aren't what I want. I want a beautiful liberal arts school, small class sizes, accredited programs, a big city nearby, large campus, good work environment that stems from active participation. This is Washington University. It is EXACTLY what I want. What if I don't get that? I don't think I could be happy going to Clemson, and if I don't get into Wash U, there's no way I'm getting into Emory. I need more options but nothing is as perfect as Washington and I can't get past that and apply anywhere else. It just doesn't seem right.

I'm frantic and I don't like it. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion. There are a lot of applicants to Duke. And he was wait listed. That means he's better than 21225 people that applied, at least. And he got into UVA and...Clemson. Think positively. That's the only way I'll get through the next year without breaking down. I hate this competition.

How does everyone else feel about college? Where do you want to go, what do you want to study, are you worried like I now am?

Heather

there simply is no need
how much I want to believe these words.

I want more of these nights

I still don't like Valentine's day. But I can't help but have a good weekend when I go to bed with the world glowing white and wake up with it still covered, five inches of powdery, crunchy snow. Snow is the instant good mood. Better than hot chocolate, better than a comedy, better than anything I've ever experienced. And even once it's gone, the sky remains so clear and crisp that each star seems to put forth it's best effort to shine brighter than the glowing lamp posts and headlights of cars streaming down the highway. The blue shines all night long, still hoping for a hint of white to come falling down.

Kisses in the snow. Better than kisses in the rain.

I want to keep the mood up, keep this weekend as happy as last night, as this morning. Epic snowball fights outside the coffee house, snow angels, snowmen, and a feeling like the whole world has been blanketed by a pure silence, a powder that can't be blown away.

I love snow, more than anything. I love it enough to walk 20 minutes through the snow and wind at night for coffee and music, and then make a trip back. I love it enough to go to bed at one in the morning and wake up at 6:30 voluntarily. I love it enough to endure the literally freezing temperatures.

I want this feeling year round. The only thing that could have made it better was if it lasted all day today. Just enough that I could play in it more. Just enough that I could have gone on a walk through the woods, alone or hand in hand with Paul. I've never had a happier long weekend, never had a happier valentines weekend. It isn't even valentine's day yet.

Hope all of you had as fantastic of a night/day as I did in the snow. Beautiful.

Heather

baby I love you

because I'd rather die than lose my mind

I wind up here. Again.

Solace cannot be found in downloads, in music, in facebook statuses accumulated over a mere measure of hours. It simply cannot be found anywhere when you want it all to be over. When you're like me and the days drag on, the weeks, the months, and only six months go by in the span of a lifetime. When every week brings a new surprise and much more desire.

Desire to exit, desire to have, desire to become. To exit this monotony, this yellow-taped hole that is disregarded and ignored until you fall in. To exit the prison of work, of repetition, of apathy. To have something to hold on to in desperation when everything seems to string along in one line of vague emptiness. To have a hope, to have sincere joy, to have life breathing into you. To become someone you've always wanted to be, without changing who you already are. To become the one they talk about, the one recognized after only one meeting, the one that attracts.

I feel caught in an overwhelming bubble of apathy. School? Sleep? Acting? Don't care anymore. I don't need any of them. My homework sits, piling up in corners, piling up in my mind, piling up on the pages of my agenda. Untouched. Unwelcome. Uninviting.

Hyperacitivity, laughter and love. The only things that matter. When I fall asleep, the burden of work, of deadlines press on me for a second, no more. I don't want to care anymore. Instead, my thoughts stray to everything else. Immediately after school I care about rest, about music, and about nothing. I can't admit to the things that keep me up at night nor can I admit to the things that keep me distracted and apathetic.

I can't allow myself to admit.

I've let myself get pulled in. Trapped. So in love that I've become in love with the idea of it all and hold in what's really there. So in love that I won't let myself be scared, won't let myself cry or fight or say no.

The person who lies on a bed in the afternoons, laptop on hand and pillow near? Here. The person who moved about, talked, made jokes? Gone. Invisible. I don't know what happened to the me that could tell him everything, that could spend hours talking to anyone and everyone, that felt young and passionate.

What do you say when I love you is no longer enough? What about when a simple gesture is more than anything else because the grand gestures feel less honest? Why can something that means so much all of a sudden take a back burner to a desire to have nothing to do anymore, to just have the free time to breathe, knowing you don't have something waiting for you to accomplish?

I walk around, smiling, happy, content. Really I'm just fine. I can convince myself more than anyone else that nothing is wrong. But honestly? That's the only place my heart and energy go anymore.

Heather

I'd rather fall asleep alone than wake up with you gone

how comforting that we feel it too

Having consumed a substantial amount of tomato soup, I'm ready to talk. About what, I don't know. Christmas was okay, but there's not much to say there.

It's unfortunate that there isn't an endless amount of space on my ipod. I'm living and breathing in music lately because it is difficult to concentrate on any given task when my mind has so much wandering to do. I just want everyone to stop pretending everything is okay. I hate the facade they all put up. I hate the question: "How is your mom and Jack?" I hate that sitting in my room hurts more than anything, looking at the bare white walls that would have been purple. It'll be gone too soon. What happens when I have to pack it all up? When I have to get rid of things to make space? What happens when I'm tipped over like a snow globe, falling off the shelf only to shatter when I reach the floor, all the while mixed up? I feel melodramatic and dumb, but I can't help being upset that I'm leaving home, the place where no matter how much I've hated things and wanted to leave, I could call my own. I barely remember the time before I lived here, I was too young. I barely remember the time before they were together, because it seems like they've always been.

It hurts to be here through all this, but the only alternative is even worse. I can't go across the country. I can't move even an inch farther away from everyone. I see the anger in their eyes, hear it in their voices. Hear it in yours. I feel like it's my fault. I know it isn't, but I feel like the reason he's scared, the reason he hates, is because of something I said. I can't believe I've gotten stuck there.

I straggle, split down the
middle, a victim. One
half of me stumbles and hops
towards the sunset, falling
deep in the twilight sky. The other
half leans and tumbles to the
rise, basking in the golden horizon,
fresh off the lively sea.

These two mes, they want to
reconcile, to meet in the middle and
share their discoveries. Joined, they
want to pull the two ends of the
earth closer, until everything
touches, even just barely, a
whisper all that slips
through the gap between.

I'd like to stitch myself
together and devote tears and
laughs to both sides, think with
both sides of my brain.

I wrote this ages ago and read it over this morning. I went through and fixed some things and thought, however depressing, it was kind of perfect. Not perfect in the way that it's perfectly written or perfectly worded. Perfect in the way that it fits a lot of the time, and sometimes it doesn't. I like those poems best.

Heather

who are we to promise we'll be leaving soon

the little things

I had a conversation with Kristen in the middle of the night, after Paul and Stuart had left, after I'd already started falling asleep, before either of us were really ready to let the day be over. It was about love and the different forms it takes and its lasting impact and everything about it. I'd been thinking about this for a couple minutes and said, in response to her question about loving someone, "Love starts, continues, and ends with the little things. When you stop loving the little things, you stop loving the person." I'm talking about when you start to hate the way he pops his fingers or can't stand the way he tilts his head to the side and back randomly, when you used to love these things. Or, if you never loved these things, maybe you never loved him. In the past four months, I've come to value every little thing in my life. Every little thing counts. So this Thanksgiving, I think I'll give thanks to the little things, as well as the big things in my life.

Thanks for:

-love
-smiles
-the feeling of the car heater when you've spent the last hour and a half outside on the dock, talking about absolutely nothing but absolutely everything.
-being woken up from a nap by Paul coming into my room and laying next to me on my bed.
-games of scrabble, boggle, twister, and trivial pursuit.
-people whose homes are always open
-words
-coffee in the morning after I've been up all night crying
-blueberry muffins
-kittens, no matter how much they are set on killing Kristen's bird for a snack
-kids movies
-the WHAT
-the availability of movies that you can make fun of
-expressions
-puns
-messages that contain simply <3
-random text messages that say something along the lines of you okay? How are things? Feeling better? I'm here if you need me.
-music
-the way when he thinks something is funny, or he makes a joke (usually at the expense of stuart or someone else, but only in a joking way, of course) he starts rubbing his hands together like he's trying to keep warm
-the way when he talks and he's trying to explain something he rolls his hand around like he's saying "Thank you for being here today" only in a less gentle manner
-the smell of a new suede coat
-breathing
-new haircuts
-bowling
-pocky (new discovery. I advise you not to purchase any because you WILL become addicted)
-practicing my piece for nfl until I can barely talk anymore
-pajama pants and hot chocolate on rainy days
-a clean room
-a playlist to fall asleep to every night
-"the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights"
-music that simply makes me happy
-walks through the back roads of Hagley in the dark, praying a car doesn't come so we won't have to walk in the cold, wet grass
-the leech that is Rebecca as she walks around attached to me, or lays next to me on the couch
-groups of people that can just keep you smiling
-South Africans
-the sound of his heartbeat
-new doorknobs


I am thankful for such wonderful friends and hugs and anger when I need it.

I love you and I don't know what I would do without you. I'm thankful that you're doing okay, and you're getting better, and we're us again (as much as we can be when we're both so busy). I spent too much of my time missing you but that's all over now because you're here and I'm here.

I'm thankful that after all that's happened this year, the only thing it has done is make me a stronger person, more optimistic, and more thoughtful. I'm thankful that I have so many places to go if I ever need to get out. I'm thankful that no matter what I do, my friends still love me. I'm thankful that Ms D likes me, because apparently she never liked Amanda or Katlyn. :)

I love you all, and hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Heather

the winter's so cold

3 months :)

We play Hanahan tonight in volleyball for region title. Since we've already beaten them, and they've beaten us, it has to be at a neutral territory. Kingstree is that territory. Which is about an hour and 15 minutes away, I think. Maybe a little less than that. I'm writing this on monday night, going to set it to post before we play. He's coming. He's driving all the way out there to see me not play, because I won't. It would make it easier losing my position on the team if he didn't care enough to come all the way to our game. I would make it easier losing my position if the coach would just tell me I'm not playing, just tell me "Hey, I don't think you're good enough for this team and you're definitely not good enough for playoffs. I don't know why I ever put you in the starting rotation anyway." Then he would at least be honest with me, instead of not saying anything to me and blatantly ignoring the fact that I'm a competent player that sits on the bench with the second string, no matter how many years I've been playing. Instead of blatantly ignoring me.

I hope we win tonight. It'll be a long ride home if we don't. I won't get to jump up and down screaming and hugging everyone like I did the last time we won. I'll have a disappointment to mark my anniversary.

3 months :)

Not an argument yet, not a fight, not a single moment where we get irritated with each other. We disagree on some matters, but only the kinds of things where it's okay to disagree. Like whether sweet tea is good or not. Or whether Twilight is a good book or not. And we agree to disagree, or just argue playfully. He makes Twilight references to tease me, but it doesn't bother me. I call him a freak because he doesn't like sweet tea, and I think I'm persuading him to like it. He drank some a couple weeks ago. But I don't mind if he doesn't like it, of course. That's just him.

I feel like because I have such a strong, solid relationship, though, I'm not allowed in your conversations anymore. When I went to the swing on Friday, y'all stopped talking. Jess mentioned a few things y'all said and I hadn't heard any of it, because it had been out of earshot of me. When I'm told you went and talked and cried and I question what about, I don't get an answer. I get bitter looks from Courtney when the subject comes up. I know you don't all resent me for it, but sometimes it seems like it. I love y'all, and I love him. I want to be a part of both relationships. I don't feel intentionally excluded, but I think I'm definitely excluded.

And I want to make it clear, just in case anyone was upset about it and bothered by it: I did not invite him to Jessicas Friday. He called her and wanted to see her and asked if he could come over before the game. She said yes, I didn't answer. Don't get me wrong, I definitely enjoyed having him there, especially since it was the only time I've really gotten to see him all week, but I didn't want y'all to be bothered by it. And I remembered you saying something about him not being there when we were talking about Sonic, so I wanted to be sure things were okay.

It's way too cold here. Summer instantly changed to winter. There was no fall. I hope the next couple days are warmer, especially Thursday. Ah! So excited for the concert!!!!

Heather

summer's over too soon


-------------------------Edit----------------------
WE WON!!!! REGION CHAMPIONS!!!!!! Woot!

if you're wondering if I want you to

I wanted to write a post about how excited I am for this weekend, how happy I am that September is over and October is here. I wanted to write about how I can't wait to know what my birthday present from Paul is because everyone but me knowing is just killing me, when it wouldn't bother me if no one knew. I wanted to write about how we're finally winning games in volleyball or about how I can't wait for the 22nd/23rd/24th because of the concert and (hopefully) going to Greenville. But I can't pretend.

I can't do anything. I can't breathe, I can't stop breathing, I can't make it through an entire day without forcing back tears. This has been, I think, the hardest year of my life. And I say that in all honesty, not in wanting to complain, or to whine, or to say that I deserve any better. I'm also not saying that nothing good has happened. Because it has. Trust me, I realize I'm lucky. But I also realize that I can't just have something good without having something equally bad to go with it. To top it all off, I'm so stressed. I put all my effort into having carefree moments where I can just get lost in what I'm doing or who I'm with and forget, even for the smallest second, all the bad in my life. It's hard to keep going when all I want to do is sit down and watch the world pass by. It's impossible to keep pretending I'm okay, but it's also impossible to say I'm not, when that isn't entirely true. I don't want people to look at me with pity and worry in their eyes, because I only have bad moments, not a bad life.

Half of my day today was spent somewhere else. My mind was gone from the present. I was thankful for the dark of Mrs. Heinemann's classroom when we watched the movie, so that no one could see how hard I was struggling to not let the tears run down my face. I was texting Paul and I couldn't handle the conversation. Not in public, not at all. I'm not strong enough. I'm too weak to deal. I just wanted to go to the next room and have him hug me. I hate when he knows I'm upset because he's so freaking perfect that he always knows what to say, which makes it harder. He can always get directly to the point and cause of my distress. I love him for that, but feeling so vulnerable is hard.

I'm not the type to regret. I know that every mistake I've made and everything that has happened to me just shaped me into the person I am, and I very well could have turned out a terrible person if things had gone differently. Regret is only for those who blame themselves too much or deny they share any of the blame. But I do wish the results could be different, sometimes. Like now, I wish I could go back to the way things were 6 months ago. Things weren't easy, they weren't perfect, but I didn't sit in spanish class with my palms pressed to my eyes wishing I could just take 2 weeks off from life. When Kristen was trying to help, to make things better, to give me a hug before lunch today I told her this. I told her I wanted the pain to go away. I told her I wanted to go to a time before this summer when I could just breathe and be happy. She said that things had to happen and that I shouldn't wish for something like that. I told her I knew that, and that I didn't regret, but that I hadn't thought life would fall apart so completely. She knows what I mean.

In the last year:
my dad walked back into my life (but only for a moment and to send me birthday checks)
my sister walked out of my house (and my life)
I spent too many nights crying because I could hear an argument in the other room
A close friend went through hell in a relationship and I wasn't sure how to be there to help when I didn't want her there to begin with
People I'm around think to little of themselves
I've been losing my best friend

Heather


I want you to