I'm just trying to be a better version of me for you

I really hate burning cds, and here's why:

1) I always screw them up
2) It takes forever
3) I feel guilty
4) It never works, and I always end up wasting a perfectly good cd
5) All I have to do while burning them is hang out on facebook and on a rare occasion, myspace.

I hate myspace bulletins, and here's why:

1) They are super vague
2) They make you want to ask that person what they're talking about but you can't because it'd be weird and also, you feel like you're invading their privacy
3) They make your mind think about the same things/problems you've been thinking all day but can't solve
4) I am forced to realize even more so how words affect me, but how I can't affect them
5) Sometimes...they make me cry.

I hate crying, and here's why:

1) I'm one of the ugliest criers in the world. My face gets all blotchy and red (yes, I realize most people's do), and my eyes squint up, and I can actually frown, a lot, so that's emphasized.
2) I have no privacy in my house
3) It prevents me from seeing clearly
4) I think that I'm thinking too much if it's making me cry
5) I make posts like this that turn downhill into depressing monologues about how crappy my life is and how I hate everything

I hate making posts like this that turn downhill into depressing monologues about how crappy my life is and how I hate everything, and here's what I'm going to do about it:

1) I'm going to stop writing my short story/essay that I'm sending in to gs, because that's making me sad.
2) I'm going to read John Green's blog (because I've caught up on all the videos) and laugh
3) I'm going to watch Hank do the Numa Numa dance for about the trillionth time because you cannot laugh any harder (accept, maybe if you watch him do that punishment where he sings the song about being an internet girl and he puts his hair in pigtails)
4) I'm going to stop thinking about all this crap that's confusing me and go with everything, and just live those parts of my life nonchalantly
5) I'm going to think about Friday, and Saturday, and how, in the very near future, I will be surrounded by tons of jumping, screaming bodies and yelling my head off while you're there next to me, likewise yelling your head of and we'll be smiling and happy, and looking at Matt, Matt, John, Jon, and Ethan.



I was going to post this on a facebook note. You see why I didn't?

I love you guys. I wish I was a clever fountain of hilarity right now, because I'm sure you all need a good laugh from me, so I'll bring it soon. =)

Heather



******This is an edit, because I wanted to post but blogger was currently unavailable, apparently.

So now not only am I spending half the day with Jess tomorrow, I invited her to come over here and hang out tonight. To 'chill'. Robert and Amy and Elliot keep saying that word, btw. They keep talking about how they're going to 'chill'. Ugh. You were right about that word. So we're practically one person, but don't worry, I'm not replacing you! =)

And then Zac practically begged me to come over to the Giovagnoli house tomorrow. Which I guess I must. I miss him/Dante, anyway, so I want to.

And the topic of Zac brings me to my next point: Shannon forced him to hold her baby. Yes, I'm sure you are cracking up right about now (if you're Caroline), just as I was, but probably not as much as I did. He held the baby, looked at me with that face he makes, where his eyes get all wide and him mouth bunches up and he looks sad and terrified. You know that look? Well he made it. He also kept saying "This is awkward. This is awkward. This is awkward." It became his mantra. And he was holding the baby like it had a severe case of smallpox. Then she kept using that really annoying voice where she is practically yelling (Hey Dominic. Hey Dominic. Hey. Hey. Hey Dominic) but it's obvious that that is just a normal form her voice takes on.

Yeah...it was a good laugh. As was this crap Zac was saying about Hunter's skinny pants that trust me, was funny, but you don't want to know.

And not only am I selling Skittles and Starbursts in order to go to Disney World (700 pieces of candy???!!???? That's 23 1/3 boxes!!!), but there is another box that has chocolate things, like Reese's and Hershey and stuff like that. Jess took one of those to sell. I've sold sixteen, so I have $8 out of $350. So I'm getting close! =\

I'm also happy to report that I'm writing a lot lately. I'm much like you, Anna, and kind of abandoned it all when I got busy, then I got my application, spent a few days staring at it and still not writing anything. All of a sudden, though, I started to write. And write. And write. I filled up 7 pages, front an back, in my moleskin with my writing. And it's all one piece (well, two technically), not just a bunch of poems (those have sucked lately, btw). It feels good to find my way back to writing again. I never realized how much I loved it. I always just thought it was something I did, something I enjoyed, something I liked. Never something I loved to do as immensely as I do. I love creating something out of nothing, you know? Just to have these words come out of you that you can't use in normal conversation, and to know that they're yours and you created these characters and named them and made them real.

It's just an amazing feeling. I'd always thought that, just not as strongly. I guess you have to leave something for a while to realize how much it means to you.

Can't wait to get out of my house, and just DO SOMETHING!

Again,
Heather