I am procrastinating, as usual. I'm devising every possible way of avoiding writing my apush essays. Which is not a good thing. Especially if I want to go out tomorrow, and there's no way my mom will let me if I don't have at least one finished. I've even resorted to downloading four complete albums. Great music, but not what I need to be doing. I'm also (obviously) blogging, though there's not really any news to blog about. I'm also planning on getting off the computer and ceasing work altogether when I get done downloading this music, so that I can do some laundry and a few other things. So even more avoidance.

Darn me for always waiting until the last minute. I was ready to write these essays when I first got my book. I even had a sudden burst of inspiration when I finished reading the first chapter and wrote the introduction. It took all of 5 minutes, at the most. Granted, it is terrible and needs a lot of work done, and I might even end up using a different topic and completely changing my thesis, but I did it. Now, I can't even write one sentence about mercantilism and it's effect on the political and economic development of the 13 colonies.

Though that is, understandably, stunting me creatively. Just read that last sentence. It's just awful. I mean, I have a lot to say about the influence, and I have a sort of kind of thesis, but I just can't seem to put it into words and a cohesive essay, that should be but is not required to be 5 paragraphs. For all they care, it can be three as long as all three paragraphs are expertly written, thoroughly developed and well thought out. Too bad I can't do that.

Has anyone bottled and marketed a cure for procrastination? If so, I'll take one, please.

Heather

i'm a walking travesty

I can't decide between crying and laughing. I don't know if I'm sighing from contentment or because I hate what's happening in my life right now. My hands shaking and my loss of appetite can either be from a happy anxiety or one that stems from fear and anger. I'm a human contradiction and I don't like it.

My family is falling apart. My sister and I essentially moved out Friday night. Jessica came and got me and I walked out the door with enough clothes to last me a week. I didn't say a thing to my mother who was yelling after us saying she would appreciate it if we asked if I could leave next time. I just walked out and ignored her. She didn't notice I was crying. She just yelled at us to be home at noon the next day and bummed a cigarette off Jessica's father (she quit about 2 1/2 weeks ago). Amy looked at me and said "I hate you a lot of the time, but you know I still love you, right?" We haven't even gotten along since I was in elementary school. I called mom Saturday and said we would be home that night either, and that we were staying with Jessica again. She called me four times Sunday. We didn't go home. Today we told her we were coming back at 11 and asked for her to be there without Jack so we could talk. She knew we were coming. She knew when. She wasn't home and her cell phone was on the table. We waited for an hour and then Jess had to go to work. We left. I refused to stay there if she couldn't have the decency to respect our wishes and be there at a specific time when she had nothing else she had to do. We left a note asking her to be ready at 6 tomorrow so we could take her out to dinner and talk. She didn't like that. She's commanded me to come home so many times since then but finally gave up, saying we were making everything worse and she didn't want to see us.

I want to go home. I want the comfort of my own room and to know exactly what I'll be doing and who will be there. But I don't want to be there. I've hated living there for months. My mom takes out her anger on us, she takes out her frustration on us, she takes out her misery on us. Jack is a jerk, always has been, and thinks he's right. He blamed us, he came right out and blamed us for the problems in their marriage. He blamed us for the fight they had Friday night that caused me to sit in the closet crying and wishing I could just get out. He blamed us for all the misery in the house. Amy refuses to go back as long as he's there and she's old enough to legally leave. Me, I have to go back to that house and sit through more and more dinners of edgy silence and quieted arguments that sometimes result in screaming matches. I have to continue to feel worthless and ignored and like I can't do anything right. I'm going back tomorrow morning and Amy isn't.

And the worst part of it all is that it's keeping me from being happy about something I should be happy about. And it's not the only thing getting in the way. I don't remember when the post was, but I do remember reading it a little over a week ago. It was a post in which I said I felt like this summer would be different and huge and amazing. I was right. Everything has changed. Nothing is the same as it was just a few months ago. And it's not all bad. Through all this crap, some good came out. I had my first kiss last night. With a guy who has helped me through all this. He's been with me every night since I left my house and he's helped me stay out of terrible moods that would no doubt have overcome me if he hadn't been there to cheer me up, to give me advice, to hug me.

And I'm so sorry about that, Caroline, though I know I shouldn't be. I hate being Ruby Oliver and wish that things were easier. I wish I hadn't been afraid to talk to you about all of this because it feels wrong trying to be careful and skirt around the details with my best friend. I never thought that I wouldn't be able to immediately tell you that a guy kissed me. I never thought that I would have to eliminate anything from any of my stories.

But I'm still unbelievably happy about this. I like him a lot and I like spending my time with him. I hope you can be happy for me. I don't want something like this to throw our friendship out of whack. I love you and don't want to have to miss you.

Heather

But I'm smiling at everything

tell me in simple words everything

Remember when we all used to blog often? I looked at my sidebar and I've only had 11 posts this year. And it's halfway over. What happened? Did we all suddenly get busy? Did we all develop lives in the last 7 months?

I apologize for never having posted on Don't Fret like I said I would. I can still post that poem I wrote for english class, but I have nothing else. Honestly, I haven't written in over a month. I kind of started a poem a couple weeks ago, but that's it. And you know, I think the problem is that I have too much to say and not enough fiction. My moleskine is getting lonely, but I'm okay with that right now.

So I was sitting in my room listening to Tickle Me Pink (they are accommodating to every mood, I have discovered) and thinking about things. I had given up on Wuthering Heights and my AP work for the day and was just kind of sitting there, which I've been doing a lot lately when I'm not out with someone. I looked at the drawings I have hung up on my wall and I realized I have no idea what I want to do or what I'm doing with my life. It's not like I just have no clue, though. I do have a clue. I want to be an architect or interior designer or graphic designer or own an inn or a bookstore or study sociology (don't know what I'd do with that, but I'd love to study it) or become a publisher or an editor or something amazing. I guess that's something to figure out in the next year or two.

But now, I just have to figure out what I'm doing tomorrow. Also, I have to figure out what to do in a completely new situation. This summer has put me in so many new positions that I don't know how to handle. And why does my horoscope have to be right this month? Gah! Did I ask for this? Could it be possible that I subconsciously wanted any of this to happen? Is this a wish gone awry? I couldn't have asked for this specifically. These are definitely questions running through my mind every night before I fall asleep, or any time I'm sitting in my room listening to music. I mean, I really don't like him.

And the worst part of it all is--the tragic truth is...I almost enjoy it. Or, at least, parts of it. I've never had someone call me beautiful this much. I've never had a guy look directly into my eyes like he does. If it was possible to kick myself for feeling so indecisive even though I know what I truly feel about it all...I would. A thousand times over I would kick myself.

I just want to stop sighing.

Heather

you thought you'd never say

I have dreams of orca whales and owls

I've been organizing at all hours of the night again. *sigh* I really should stop doing that and get some sleep. The product, however, is always nice. I always feel good after I finish and my room looks good again. I vacuumed. That's a rare occurrence, so my room looks super nice and clean. Plus, I even ventured into my closet where I removed piles of stuffed animals and my old toy box that I haven't opened in years. I put the stuffed animals inside and now it's waiting to be delivered to the salvation army whenever we can get around to it. I still have some things lurking in the corners of my closet that need evacuating but I just can't bring myself to do it, because that would just make a bigger mess and I don't know where else to put these things. But my desk is cleared off, there are no loose papers flying around, and I got rid of the hideous curtains that I've despised for the last 7 years of my life. I'm in the middle of painting a wicker shelf that has been a revolting shade of pink for as long as I can remember, but I ran out of paint. It's going to be black when I'm done. Right now, it's worse than when I started. Hopefully, I'll also paint my room soon. Purple. I'm excited. But that may not be for a while and I'm not holding out for it. I hung things on my walls, so obviously not.

The reason I started organizing is because I've become partially nocturnal. I literally don't get tired until 1 a.m. and if I try to go to sleep before I'm tired, I just get even more restless and stay up later. So I've been up all night long the past five nights, finally resting in my warm bed at about two every morning and waking up either at 8 or noon. Plus, it doesn't help that I text Kristen late because she's been an hour behind or that Zac texts me after he gets off work. I could just turn off my phone, but I'm not sleeping anyway, so what would be the point in ignoring them?

Also, I miss my mp3 player desperately. It finally keeled over last week. It will live on in my memory forever. I've had to resort to cds which become repetitive, and it's very hard to pick which artist I want to listen to next, and I'm sick of my mixes. Plus, my cd player doesn't do shuffle. So I always know what's coming next. Dull. I need to actually get a job (Mother??? Are you going to pay attention to me soon and take me to look? Do you want me to keep asking for money??????) soon--now--so that I can buy a zune or an iPod. It has to be at least 8 gigs though, so it can hold all of my music, though I'd prefer it to be more, just incase I want to get more music. Which I do. There are so many new cds out that I want plus old ones that I've just started falling in love with (Taking Back Sunday and Daughtry and The Fray and Company of Theives and the Kooks and Regina Spektor).

Fun starts in a few days. This week has been long, but it's almost over and summer can start again. I'm ready to feel like my summer is epic again. I'm ready for the nocturnal state to be fun and not productive. I'm ready to take underwater pictures and eat pie at 4 in the morning and laugh at Davenport and talk to Austin and be killed off first by Daniel and swim to the end of the pier and be tired like Sam and make movies and use the epic blanket and eat mac and cheese that doesn't take an hour to make and watch the duck song on youtube and fall asleep on the floor of the steelers room and have a personal space heater because it is freezing when Maur turns on the fan and just be really happy again. I'm already feeling nostalgic. =)

So how are you emilea? I miss you and you haven't posted in forever.

Heather

but I wake up in fear

I'm on fire now

There is just too much to say. I can't really pack it all into the limited capacity of a computer. Computers make interaction a lot less fun. But there are a few things I'm definitely leaving out, and not because I don't want you to be privy to the information, but because that would be breaking the rules and you know how I'm a stickler for rules. (Isn't amazing how I'm typing this for all three of you to read, but directing the last sentence to just one person? I'm sorry if I do that a lot. I think I do. Most of this post, actually is for Caroline, since she's been in Beach and therefore outside the realm of summer)

For Caroline (unless Emilea and Anna also want to read and be bored/confused. Scroll if you don't)

I can't list format this, and I don't think chronological order will be very easy but I'll shoot for the latter anyway. The epic part of my epic summer didn't start last Friday after we got out of school (sorry to say that), but my epic summer did start then. With Chloe's house and the pool and the loads of fun I had with y'all. It's just that I wasn't having the best day, so I didn't have the best time. Plus, I had to comfort Kristen afterward because of something Daniel didn't do but almost did and it was just awful. I hate him for hurting her so much, but I'm accepting that he will (this will have to be explained later if I'm going to do this chronologically. Actually, it will have to be explained in person. It's complicated. If you want to hear it, ask me). So I went home happy but worried about her, but it really was fun.

DAY ONE was Saturday, when I was given the option of Lifehouse/SunFun or Paul's party. I was sort of grounded but not really meaning that my mom was mad at me for unknown (never explained to me) reasons Friday night and said I could only do one. Well, the details for Lifehouse/SunFun were sketchy in her opinion and I didn't think I had a ride home, so I chose his party. Here's where the epic began.

There was a bonfire (you would have been bored, probably, in that case if you had come) and video games, obviously. And no delicious cake made by his sisters but there were delicious cupcakes again. I basically had tons of fun with Molly and Lauren and Kristen on the swing and got rope-burn but it was okay and totally worth it as were the scrapes on my foot, the dirt smudges all over the knees of my jeans and the permanent dirt stain on my shirt (all coming from me falling because I kept going and the swing didn't. Luckily, the only person who saw that was Daniel). Then Blake showed up and proved to be the most entertaining story-reteller ever as he reenacted the fight scene of Obsessed, every other sentence being "She just killed that bitch!" Needless to say, it was hilarious. So we took him with us when we quested to the creek. The quest started out as just Daniel, Kristen, Christo, Blake and I, but soon, people peeked out of the woods behind us in a very creepy fashion and we had a few tag-alongs, one being Suzanne who ended up leading the quest to the creek. It was fun and Blake gave me a piggy-back ride (Lauren, unfortunately, was not there to be jealous) for about ten feet before he decided to do something else. He was very hyper and Blake hyped up on energy drinks is very ADD. We got back, swung on the swing some more, Austin (Rowell) randomly showed up though he's supposed to be "on restriction" and the rest of the night just went happily until I had to leave at about 12:30. Andi gave me a ride home, and she was hopped up on tired. She was so tired she was hyper. It was great. I didn't get home until 1:15 ish, but my mom didn't even care. I guess because she knew I wasn't doing anything dumb like drinking.

Well, DAY TWO of my epic summer started with Jess coming by on her way back from the movies/lunch with y'all to pick me up and take me to Sonic with her so I could be picked up from there by Kristen. I had just been driving earlier for the first time ever and she ASKED ME TO MOVE HER CAR TO A DIFFERENT PARKING SPACE!!! I had worked on parking for all of ten minutes! I was inside the lines the first time everytime, yes, but not in the center. I'd only done it FOUR TIMES! Still, I had to move her car. Best part of that? It stalled. As I was backing out. FAIL! I was very terrified that I did something wrong and it wouldn't go anywhere and it was awful and then when we finally got it to crank I could not park straight to save my life. After three tries, I think, I finally got it in. I'm not parking anyone elses car again until I have more practice.

So I waited for a little while until Kristen picked me up and we went to her mom's house for a cook out and babysitting her cousins and neighbors for about an hour. After that, we had planned on going to a party at the beach but it had been planned by Alex Mosier so it clearly was a fail and ended before we could get there. So instead we went over to her dad's house to stay the night, still trying to figure out how to keep our night from failing miserably. Unfortunately, we ended up buying cookie dough and eating it while watching Lifetime dramas and late night TV (when I say that, I mean the Nanny. We were laughing at the Nanny!) We realized how fail our night was when I diet pill commercial came on so we jumped out of bed and started walking around the neighborhood. Jess got off at 11 and was coming to hand out with us after and stay the night. It was 11:12 when we called her and Kristen said "Hurry! We're watching late night TV and eating cookie dough!" to which Jess responded "Oh no! I'm coming!"

She came by and was driving down the street talking on the phone with us when I shouted "I see you!" and then she ran us over. Not literally, of course. She slowed down to a stop and I ran into the car shouting at her for hitting me, and then I got in and Kristen stood in front and jumped on the hood like she'd been hit while Jess drove the rest of the way (not far) to the house where she informed us Daniel was at a party and not Shelby's house like he'd informed us and that's why he'd turned down Kristen's offer to hang out (I skipped that because it was boring and useless and this is all you need to know about it). She'd learned this from Davenport (Couch) just 20 minutes before. So we decided to party-hunt. Not because we wanted to go but because we wanted to find him. We went to Davenport's house, picked him up, and asked him to help. First, we went to Jessica's house, where we believe there was a party but they hid it rather well when we got there. We believe this because Joey ran upstairs in a creepy fashion and closed the door tight behind him. Just a suspicion not backed up by fact at all. We didn't find it/him there so we went to (CREEPER) Jim's house. No party there, and we felt very creepy and creeped out just being there so we left and went back to Kristen's dad's house and just hung out there in the front yard. We stayed up until 5:30 in the morning when Jessica passed out on the sidewalk and then we went inside. Kristen's dad had already said it was okay for Davenport to crash there (he was forbidden to come home by his father) as long as it was on the couch (haha) or in the upstairs bedroom. So he did. We woke up at 10ish to caramel macchiatos made by her father.

DAY THREE:
We went to the pool (Jess, Davenport, Kristen, Me) for a couple hours (I only got a little sunburn). Then we decided to have a cookout that night. We went back to the house to get Jessica's keys and money to head to the bank, but we were locked out. We had to have Adam come by in the party van, pick us up and take us to Jessica's dad's house where we would leave from. Jessica had to pack for the cruise at her mom's house, and we needed to go to Wal-Mart to get what we needed foodwise and whatnot. So we went to Georgetown, dropping Davenport off along the way so he could fix his car. She dropped us in Wal-Mart and headed home. We only had 45 min before we had to leave so she could make it to work on time so Kristen and I were scurrying around like idiots and staring at the hamburger meat (people do that all the time, so we thought we had to. Plus, we didn't know how to choose what to get. We really felt like idiots then). We got all the supplies and paid with Jessica's debit card to make things easier then cash. We are splitting the bill so we all have to pay $20 so me and Kristen collectively owe her $40. I bought a new bathing suit because mine came very close to breaking when we were at the pool earlier. We went out, waited for Jess to pick us up. We went back to the house.

Jess left for work (she was coming back at 11), Kristen and I started cooking. We invited people over to eat then swim afterwards: Austin, Davenport (obviously), Daniel, Paul, John Sumner (he's actually really cool. I hung out with him some at Paul's party), Blake (or we would have if he'd been home the four times we went to his house, since he doesn't have a cell phone) and Molly. We would have invited you and Chloe and Danielle, but it was really short notice so obviously Danielle wouldn't have been able to come, and it was going to last late (until midnight when the pool closed) so I knew neither you nor Chloe could come because of beach and also because it was late. Parents and late don't mix well when you don't have a vehicle after 8 pm. Unfortunately, only two of the above came over and only one ate with us. Still it was fun. Until crap with Daniel happened. Kristen was upset, and her painkiller is Austin. So we went over to his house after midnight and talked in his driveway while he comforted her. When we left, we went to Waffle House then back to her dad's driveway where Kristen called Austin and talked to him for three hours. It was 6 when we went inside to sleep. Davenport once again crashed there, but by the time we woke up at almost noon, he was gone. He'd left a note and ditched, somehow getting his car key off the table next to our bed without any of us noticing.

DAY FOUR went something like this: I came home at about 3, saw DOLT sitting on my bed, read two pages and slept until eight when my text messages were piling up so much my phone was yelling at me. I went back to sleep at midnight, after reading DOLT for a few hours.

Yesterday was DAY FIVE, the day that I was the only one home because my mom and Amy were in North Carolina to pick up my mom's friend and drive her down here for vacation. Jack was at work. I rode my bike about 5 miles, my legs felt like jell-o, I cleaned the house, and I listened to music. Jack and I walked to Salad Creations for dinner, then he decided he'd rather have Arby's. So no healthy food, but at least I walked there! Read a little DOLT, went to bed.

Today, on DAY SIX I was supposed to have to babysit my neighbor's daughter all day, but they cancelled and she went to her mother's instead. So I rode my bike again, talked to people via texting all day, and was invited to hang out with Zac, Dominic, and Dante. To watch movies at the Giovagnoli house after dinner. It didn't happen. I never make plans with them. They bail or I can't. No loss to me, though. Instead, I talked to Kristen on the phone for a little while and we made plans for more epicness starting Sunday.

This was a really long post, but there was a lot to fill you in on. I could have called you, but it was already too late. I'll see you tomorrow, though, and fill in any empty gaps. If you have questions, which I'm sure you do, let me know. I feel like filling you in since I haven't seen you in about a week. Lots has happened. I'm having a great summer so far. I hope it lasts.

For all three of you!

I'm really hoping a visit can be arranged soon. Do either of you have a clue as to when? I need to know so I don't end up working then (don't have a job yet, am looking tomorrow or Saturday). I want to spend as much time as possible with y'all. I miss you! I was at the Waffle House and it made me think of you, Anna, and new year's eve. I don't know why, really, but I did. I would have texted you at three in the morning if it hadn't been for my phone being six feet under.

I finally got my report card today. Decent, I believe. But my schedule is intimidating. I have to start summer reading and my AP assignment asap. So I don't slack off and wait like every other year. I bet the two of you are very excited to get schedules and assignments, though. I would be. I wouldn't care if it was work, since it would be for gs.

I'm planning on posting on Don't Fret (like I said in my last post), but it won't be for a little while, because I have to fix the poem I'm putting up. I like it less now than I did before. It must be tweaked!

This is pretty much it for tody, don't want to lengthen it any more.
Heather

I think I'm ready to bust a move

I think about my lack of future

but all the things I have planned. It's kind of an amazing thing to have no substantial, solid future that is set in stone but to to have so many plans you don't know what to do with them.

Just as Caroline felt due for a new, upbeat post, so did I. It's not like there are any improvements upon life, or drastic events to report, just a change in mood, "a change of heart, a change of clothes." I have that itch for summer and all the happy, lighthearted feelings that come with it in the last two weeks of school. Even people like me who love the school year and hate bits of the summer anticipate the end of the year like everyone else. It's the weather, and the relaxed atmosphere that does it, I think.

I think the biggest change, though, is in my ability to share things with people. I think gs did it for me. Having to get to know people and become friends with them in such a short period of time changed me, I think, though it took the change nearly a year to fully manifest itself. I mean, it's amazing how close I've become to Kristen and Cam just by having a single class with them, and how much I've been able to tell them. I don't tell people things. It's just not me. And they know pretty much everything. No more than my best friends know, and not quite as much, but definitely a lot more than I ever expected to tell them. This is a positive change, for sure.

Also, having conversations with Kristen off and on all night Friday? Yeah, I learned quite a few things. Like that I'm not as much of a phenomenon as I thought.

This post had no set goal in mind, nor a planned topic of discussion. I don't even know what I will say for the rest of it, though I don't want to leave it at his. Other than I saw Zack Hodges today. Not in reality, but a guy who looked just like him. This doppelganger had the same posture, the same protruding adam's apple, the same glasses, and, if I dare say, the same wild hand gestures. I didn't hear his voice, as he was in a car and I was on a bus, and we were not within range (due to the closed windows and the metal and the air and whatnot), but I'm sure he sounded like Zack, too. It's a shame it wasn't actually him, though it wouldn't have mattered. We were going in opposite directions on a street, me to school, him to...well, I'll never know. Maybe his grandmother's house? Or Wal-Mart? Maybe he was going to play in a park?

Oh, well. I guess that concludes my post. I have a poem I think I'll put on Don't Fret later, but right now, it isn't a full triangle. I'm writing it for an english assignment, and I like it a lot so far, if only it was a full triangle. =)

Heather

and all the places I could learn to fall in love

Heather...

is tired of hearing about Austin C's face in a toilet.
was abandoned at Habitat (or would have been if Amy didn't want her hair cut. wtc?)
is glad she knows who to be friends with and has chosen the right people.
wants bacon.
is "word" (haha. Apparently, Austin R. enjoys denoting his agreement this way)
has this jittery calm feeling still...
is to be told lots of things by Kristen on Monday
is once again writing about Habitat.
is tired of having so many things to put as her status but never wanting to put them and never wanting them to be seen.
wants to write in "The Book" but doesn't want to tell them anything.

Also, Heather is posting because she feels like having something new up here. And because I have nothing better to do.

Apparently we're still doing habitat on Saturdays until it's done/school is over. Which is awesome. Next week: planting. I'm still working on getting the info for future habitat things (as in the ones in the summer, in tennessee and such)

Summer. It feels really close. It really is almost here and this year I know I'll actually enjoy all of it. For once. At least, I'm hoping so. I'm also hoping to do Swamp Fox (For anna and emilea, this is essentially a community theater in georgetown that our friend Kristen asked us if we wanted to do with her, and from what I hear, it's pretty awesome), but rehearsals are rigorous and take up a lot of the day and the performances start about when school does, so I probably can't do it because of volleyball. Which sucks. I love spending my time in a "theater" (our auditorium doesn't really count as such) with awesome drama nerds. I can't wait until our next WHAT meeting to vote for officers and everything. I think I'll run for president next year, vp this year or something. Treasurer would be nice, too, because I'd know how much money we have and wouldn't be guessing in the dark. Plus, I know how to do that already. I don't want secretary though.

You know what else feels close--due to facebook letting me see everything anyone ever does? Your departure, anna and emilea. Not like you're really close right now, but next year you will be far away together with all those other awesome people. I'm a bit jealous and also already formulating plans for visiting.

emilea, I'm really hoping to see you soon. Have you figured out when? I miss you lots. And I don't know if I ever told you this (or if Caroline did) but our friend Allison got her hair cut short--about a month ago-- and from the side, she kind of looks like you. Or did before I made myself stop thinking that and now I just don't noticed. But she looked a lot like you, with her short red hair and whatnot. It was kind of amazing. Made me miss you more, too.

Speaking of, is there any way the both of you could finnagle your way into a vehicle with us for a mass trip to Raleigh on June 23? If I said it was for Owl City and Relient K? I mean, we don't even know if we'll be allowed to go yet, but if we are, I want to figure out a way for both of you to come as well. That's the closest they'll be on tour and the cheapest tickets, luckily.

Anyways, I'm really out of topics of bloggery, so I'm going to go dream. (daydream is more likely, because I probably won't fall asleep anytime soon)
Heather