i'm a walking travesty

I can't decide between crying and laughing. I don't know if I'm sighing from contentment or because I hate what's happening in my life right now. My hands shaking and my loss of appetite can either be from a happy anxiety or one that stems from fear and anger. I'm a human contradiction and I don't like it.

My family is falling apart. My sister and I essentially moved out Friday night. Jessica came and got me and I walked out the door with enough clothes to last me a week. I didn't say a thing to my mother who was yelling after us saying she would appreciate it if we asked if I could leave next time. I just walked out and ignored her. She didn't notice I was crying. She just yelled at us to be home at noon the next day and bummed a cigarette off Jessica's father (she quit about 2 1/2 weeks ago). Amy looked at me and said "I hate you a lot of the time, but you know I still love you, right?" We haven't even gotten along since I was in elementary school. I called mom Saturday and said we would be home that night either, and that we were staying with Jessica again. She called me four times Sunday. We didn't go home. Today we told her we were coming back at 11 and asked for her to be there without Jack so we could talk. She knew we were coming. She knew when. She wasn't home and her cell phone was on the table. We waited for an hour and then Jess had to go to work. We left. I refused to stay there if she couldn't have the decency to respect our wishes and be there at a specific time when she had nothing else she had to do. We left a note asking her to be ready at 6 tomorrow so we could take her out to dinner and talk. She didn't like that. She's commanded me to come home so many times since then but finally gave up, saying we were making everything worse and she didn't want to see us.

I want to go home. I want the comfort of my own room and to know exactly what I'll be doing and who will be there. But I don't want to be there. I've hated living there for months. My mom takes out her anger on us, she takes out her frustration on us, she takes out her misery on us. Jack is a jerk, always has been, and thinks he's right. He blamed us, he came right out and blamed us for the problems in their marriage. He blamed us for the fight they had Friday night that caused me to sit in the closet crying and wishing I could just get out. He blamed us for all the misery in the house. Amy refuses to go back as long as he's there and she's old enough to legally leave. Me, I have to go back to that house and sit through more and more dinners of edgy silence and quieted arguments that sometimes result in screaming matches. I have to continue to feel worthless and ignored and like I can't do anything right. I'm going back tomorrow morning and Amy isn't.

And the worst part of it all is that it's keeping me from being happy about something I should be happy about. And it's not the only thing getting in the way. I don't remember when the post was, but I do remember reading it a little over a week ago. It was a post in which I said I felt like this summer would be different and huge and amazing. I was right. Everything has changed. Nothing is the same as it was just a few months ago. And it's not all bad. Through all this crap, some good came out. I had my first kiss last night. With a guy who has helped me through all this. He's been with me every night since I left my house and he's helped me stay out of terrible moods that would no doubt have overcome me if he hadn't been there to cheer me up, to give me advice, to hug me.

And I'm so sorry about that, Caroline, though I know I shouldn't be. I hate being Ruby Oliver and wish that things were easier. I wish I hadn't been afraid to talk to you about all of this because it feels wrong trying to be careful and skirt around the details with my best friend. I never thought that I wouldn't be able to immediately tell you that a guy kissed me. I never thought that I would have to eliminate anything from any of my stories.

But I'm still unbelievably happy about this. I like him a lot and I like spending my time with him. I hope you can be happy for me. I don't want something like this to throw our friendship out of whack. I love you and don't want to have to miss you.

Heather

But I'm smiling at everything