don't panic, don't panic

Terrified.

I now have lost all confidence in my future. Paul didn't get into Duke. He got wait listed. How? His SAT score was higher that mine. His GPA is only .2 points lower than mine. He's in the top ten of his class. He's taken AP courses and IB courses and all honors classes and he's well-rounded and active in school and community service and how the fuck did he not get into Duke????

It scares me so much. If he can't get into his first choice school (albeit a competitive school with a selective admissions where only 1700 people get in out of 23000 applicants) then how am I supposed to get into my first choice school which only accepts about 1500 students out of a large pool of applicants who are probably more artistic than me and will have more impressive applications filled with AP courses and art classes and everything that I don't have. It scares me to think that I might not end up at the school I want to go to. I know there's always graduate school but that's not what I want.

I hadn't realized until today how competitive and selective it really was. All I hear at my school is how people got accepted. I guess I should have realized these people were being accepted to USC and Clemson and CCU and other in-state schools that aren't worth anything in my eyes. These schools that are my very very last choices, that aren't what I want. I want a beautiful liberal arts school, small class sizes, accredited programs, a big city nearby, large campus, good work environment that stems from active participation. This is Washington University. It is EXACTLY what I want. What if I don't get that? I don't think I could be happy going to Clemson, and if I don't get into Wash U, there's no way I'm getting into Emory. I need more options but nothing is as perfect as Washington and I can't get past that and apply anywhere else. It just doesn't seem right.

I'm frantic and I don't like it. Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion. There are a lot of applicants to Duke. And he was wait listed. That means he's better than 21225 people that applied, at least. And he got into UVA and...Clemson. Think positively. That's the only way I'll get through the next year without breaking down. I hate this competition.

How does everyone else feel about college? Where do you want to go, what do you want to study, are you worried like I now am?

Heather

there simply is no need
how much I want to believe these words.

I want more of these nights

I still don't like Valentine's day. But I can't help but have a good weekend when I go to bed with the world glowing white and wake up with it still covered, five inches of powdery, crunchy snow. Snow is the instant good mood. Better than hot chocolate, better than a comedy, better than anything I've ever experienced. And even once it's gone, the sky remains so clear and crisp that each star seems to put forth it's best effort to shine brighter than the glowing lamp posts and headlights of cars streaming down the highway. The blue shines all night long, still hoping for a hint of white to come falling down.

Kisses in the snow. Better than kisses in the rain.

I want to keep the mood up, keep this weekend as happy as last night, as this morning. Epic snowball fights outside the coffee house, snow angels, snowmen, and a feeling like the whole world has been blanketed by a pure silence, a powder that can't be blown away.

I love snow, more than anything. I love it enough to walk 20 minutes through the snow and wind at night for coffee and music, and then make a trip back. I love it enough to go to bed at one in the morning and wake up at 6:30 voluntarily. I love it enough to endure the literally freezing temperatures.

I want this feeling year round. The only thing that could have made it better was if it lasted all day today. Just enough that I could play in it more. Just enough that I could have gone on a walk through the woods, alone or hand in hand with Paul. I've never had a happier long weekend, never had a happier valentines weekend. It isn't even valentine's day yet.

Hope all of you had as fantastic of a night/day as I did in the snow. Beautiful.

Heather

baby I love you

because I'd rather die than lose my mind

I wind up here. Again.

Solace cannot be found in downloads, in music, in facebook statuses accumulated over a mere measure of hours. It simply cannot be found anywhere when you want it all to be over. When you're like me and the days drag on, the weeks, the months, and only six months go by in the span of a lifetime. When every week brings a new surprise and much more desire.

Desire to exit, desire to have, desire to become. To exit this monotony, this yellow-taped hole that is disregarded and ignored until you fall in. To exit the prison of work, of repetition, of apathy. To have something to hold on to in desperation when everything seems to string along in one line of vague emptiness. To have a hope, to have sincere joy, to have life breathing into you. To become someone you've always wanted to be, without changing who you already are. To become the one they talk about, the one recognized after only one meeting, the one that attracts.

I feel caught in an overwhelming bubble of apathy. School? Sleep? Acting? Don't care anymore. I don't need any of them. My homework sits, piling up in corners, piling up in my mind, piling up on the pages of my agenda. Untouched. Unwelcome. Uninviting.

Hyperacitivity, laughter and love. The only things that matter. When I fall asleep, the burden of work, of deadlines press on me for a second, no more. I don't want to care anymore. Instead, my thoughts stray to everything else. Immediately after school I care about rest, about music, and about nothing. I can't admit to the things that keep me up at night nor can I admit to the things that keep me distracted and apathetic.

I can't allow myself to admit.

I've let myself get pulled in. Trapped. So in love that I've become in love with the idea of it all and hold in what's really there. So in love that I won't let myself be scared, won't let myself cry or fight or say no.

The person who lies on a bed in the afternoons, laptop on hand and pillow near? Here. The person who moved about, talked, made jokes? Gone. Invisible. I don't know what happened to the me that could tell him everything, that could spend hours talking to anyone and everyone, that felt young and passionate.

What do you say when I love you is no longer enough? What about when a simple gesture is more than anything else because the grand gestures feel less honest? Why can something that means so much all of a sudden take a back burner to a desire to have nothing to do anymore, to just have the free time to breathe, knowing you don't have something waiting for you to accomplish?

I walk around, smiling, happy, content. Really I'm just fine. I can convince myself more than anyone else that nothing is wrong. But honestly? That's the only place my heart and energy go anymore.

Heather

I'd rather fall asleep alone than wake up with you gone