how comforting that we feel it too

Having consumed a substantial amount of tomato soup, I'm ready to talk. About what, I don't know. Christmas was okay, but there's not much to say there.

It's unfortunate that there isn't an endless amount of space on my ipod. I'm living and breathing in music lately because it is difficult to concentrate on any given task when my mind has so much wandering to do. I just want everyone to stop pretending everything is okay. I hate the facade they all put up. I hate the question: "How is your mom and Jack?" I hate that sitting in my room hurts more than anything, looking at the bare white walls that would have been purple. It'll be gone too soon. What happens when I have to pack it all up? When I have to get rid of things to make space? What happens when I'm tipped over like a snow globe, falling off the shelf only to shatter when I reach the floor, all the while mixed up? I feel melodramatic and dumb, but I can't help being upset that I'm leaving home, the place where no matter how much I've hated things and wanted to leave, I could call my own. I barely remember the time before I lived here, I was too young. I barely remember the time before they were together, because it seems like they've always been.

It hurts to be here through all this, but the only alternative is even worse. I can't go across the country. I can't move even an inch farther away from everyone. I see the anger in their eyes, hear it in their voices. Hear it in yours. I feel like it's my fault. I know it isn't, but I feel like the reason he's scared, the reason he hates, is because of something I said. I can't believe I've gotten stuck there.

I straggle, split down the
middle, a victim. One
half of me stumbles and hops
towards the sunset, falling
deep in the twilight sky. The other
half leans and tumbles to the
rise, basking in the golden horizon,
fresh off the lively sea.

These two mes, they want to
reconcile, to meet in the middle and
share their discoveries. Joined, they
want to pull the two ends of the
earth closer, until everything
touches, even just barely, a
whisper all that slips
through the gap between.

I'd like to stitch myself
together and devote tears and
laughs to both sides, think with
both sides of my brain.

I wrote this ages ago and read it over this morning. I went through and fixed some things and thought, however depressing, it was kind of perfect. Not perfect in the way that it's perfectly written or perfectly worded. Perfect in the way that it fits a lot of the time, and sometimes it doesn't. I like those poems best.

Heather

who are we to promise we'll be leaving soon

the little things

I had a conversation with Kristen in the middle of the night, after Paul and Stuart had left, after I'd already started falling asleep, before either of us were really ready to let the day be over. It was about love and the different forms it takes and its lasting impact and everything about it. I'd been thinking about this for a couple minutes and said, in response to her question about loving someone, "Love starts, continues, and ends with the little things. When you stop loving the little things, you stop loving the person." I'm talking about when you start to hate the way he pops his fingers or can't stand the way he tilts his head to the side and back randomly, when you used to love these things. Or, if you never loved these things, maybe you never loved him. In the past four months, I've come to value every little thing in my life. Every little thing counts. So this Thanksgiving, I think I'll give thanks to the little things, as well as the big things in my life.

Thanks for:

-love
-smiles
-the feeling of the car heater when you've spent the last hour and a half outside on the dock, talking about absolutely nothing but absolutely everything.
-being woken up from a nap by Paul coming into my room and laying next to me on my bed.
-games of scrabble, boggle, twister, and trivial pursuit.
-people whose homes are always open
-words
-coffee in the morning after I've been up all night crying
-blueberry muffins
-kittens, no matter how much they are set on killing Kristen's bird for a snack
-kids movies
-the WHAT
-the availability of movies that you can make fun of
-expressions
-puns
-messages that contain simply <3
-random text messages that say something along the lines of you okay? How are things? Feeling better? I'm here if you need me.
-music
-the way when he thinks something is funny, or he makes a joke (usually at the expense of stuart or someone else, but only in a joking way, of course) he starts rubbing his hands together like he's trying to keep warm
-the way when he talks and he's trying to explain something he rolls his hand around like he's saying "Thank you for being here today" only in a less gentle manner
-the smell of a new suede coat
-breathing
-new haircuts
-bowling
-pocky (new discovery. I advise you not to purchase any because you WILL become addicted)
-practicing my piece for nfl until I can barely talk anymore
-pajama pants and hot chocolate on rainy days
-a clean room
-a playlist to fall asleep to every night
-"the sound of the stereo, the dim of the soft lights"
-music that simply makes me happy
-walks through the back roads of Hagley in the dark, praying a car doesn't come so we won't have to walk in the cold, wet grass
-the leech that is Rebecca as she walks around attached to me, or lays next to me on the couch
-groups of people that can just keep you smiling
-South Africans
-the sound of his heartbeat
-new doorknobs


I am thankful for such wonderful friends and hugs and anger when I need it.

I love you and I don't know what I would do without you. I'm thankful that you're doing okay, and you're getting better, and we're us again (as much as we can be when we're both so busy). I spent too much of my time missing you but that's all over now because you're here and I'm here.

I'm thankful that after all that's happened this year, the only thing it has done is make me a stronger person, more optimistic, and more thoughtful. I'm thankful that I have so many places to go if I ever need to get out. I'm thankful that no matter what I do, my friends still love me. I'm thankful that Ms D likes me, because apparently she never liked Amanda or Katlyn. :)

I love you all, and hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Heather

the winter's so cold

3 months :)

We play Hanahan tonight in volleyball for region title. Since we've already beaten them, and they've beaten us, it has to be at a neutral territory. Kingstree is that territory. Which is about an hour and 15 minutes away, I think. Maybe a little less than that. I'm writing this on monday night, going to set it to post before we play. He's coming. He's driving all the way out there to see me not play, because I won't. It would make it easier losing my position on the team if he didn't care enough to come all the way to our game. I would make it easier losing my position if the coach would just tell me I'm not playing, just tell me "Hey, I don't think you're good enough for this team and you're definitely not good enough for playoffs. I don't know why I ever put you in the starting rotation anyway." Then he would at least be honest with me, instead of not saying anything to me and blatantly ignoring the fact that I'm a competent player that sits on the bench with the second string, no matter how many years I've been playing. Instead of blatantly ignoring me.

I hope we win tonight. It'll be a long ride home if we don't. I won't get to jump up and down screaming and hugging everyone like I did the last time we won. I'll have a disappointment to mark my anniversary.

3 months :)

Not an argument yet, not a fight, not a single moment where we get irritated with each other. We disagree on some matters, but only the kinds of things where it's okay to disagree. Like whether sweet tea is good or not. Or whether Twilight is a good book or not. And we agree to disagree, or just argue playfully. He makes Twilight references to tease me, but it doesn't bother me. I call him a freak because he doesn't like sweet tea, and I think I'm persuading him to like it. He drank some a couple weeks ago. But I don't mind if he doesn't like it, of course. That's just him.

I feel like because I have such a strong, solid relationship, though, I'm not allowed in your conversations anymore. When I went to the swing on Friday, y'all stopped talking. Jess mentioned a few things y'all said and I hadn't heard any of it, because it had been out of earshot of me. When I'm told you went and talked and cried and I question what about, I don't get an answer. I get bitter looks from Courtney when the subject comes up. I know you don't all resent me for it, but sometimes it seems like it. I love y'all, and I love him. I want to be a part of both relationships. I don't feel intentionally excluded, but I think I'm definitely excluded.

And I want to make it clear, just in case anyone was upset about it and bothered by it: I did not invite him to Jessicas Friday. He called her and wanted to see her and asked if he could come over before the game. She said yes, I didn't answer. Don't get me wrong, I definitely enjoyed having him there, especially since it was the only time I've really gotten to see him all week, but I didn't want y'all to be bothered by it. And I remembered you saying something about him not being there when we were talking about Sonic, so I wanted to be sure things were okay.

It's way too cold here. Summer instantly changed to winter. There was no fall. I hope the next couple days are warmer, especially Thursday. Ah! So excited for the concert!!!!

Heather

summer's over too soon


-------------------------Edit----------------------
WE WON!!!! REGION CHAMPIONS!!!!!! Woot!

if you're wondering if I want you to

I wanted to write a post about how excited I am for this weekend, how happy I am that September is over and October is here. I wanted to write about how I can't wait to know what my birthday present from Paul is because everyone but me knowing is just killing me, when it wouldn't bother me if no one knew. I wanted to write about how we're finally winning games in volleyball or about how I can't wait for the 22nd/23rd/24th because of the concert and (hopefully) going to Greenville. But I can't pretend.

I can't do anything. I can't breathe, I can't stop breathing, I can't make it through an entire day without forcing back tears. This has been, I think, the hardest year of my life. And I say that in all honesty, not in wanting to complain, or to whine, or to say that I deserve any better. I'm also not saying that nothing good has happened. Because it has. Trust me, I realize I'm lucky. But I also realize that I can't just have something good without having something equally bad to go with it. To top it all off, I'm so stressed. I put all my effort into having carefree moments where I can just get lost in what I'm doing or who I'm with and forget, even for the smallest second, all the bad in my life. It's hard to keep going when all I want to do is sit down and watch the world pass by. It's impossible to keep pretending I'm okay, but it's also impossible to say I'm not, when that isn't entirely true. I don't want people to look at me with pity and worry in their eyes, because I only have bad moments, not a bad life.

Half of my day today was spent somewhere else. My mind was gone from the present. I was thankful for the dark of Mrs. Heinemann's classroom when we watched the movie, so that no one could see how hard I was struggling to not let the tears run down my face. I was texting Paul and I couldn't handle the conversation. Not in public, not at all. I'm not strong enough. I'm too weak to deal. I just wanted to go to the next room and have him hug me. I hate when he knows I'm upset because he's so freaking perfect that he always knows what to say, which makes it harder. He can always get directly to the point and cause of my distress. I love him for that, but feeling so vulnerable is hard.

I'm not the type to regret. I know that every mistake I've made and everything that has happened to me just shaped me into the person I am, and I very well could have turned out a terrible person if things had gone differently. Regret is only for those who blame themselves too much or deny they share any of the blame. But I do wish the results could be different, sometimes. Like now, I wish I could go back to the way things were 6 months ago. Things weren't easy, they weren't perfect, but I didn't sit in spanish class with my palms pressed to my eyes wishing I could just take 2 weeks off from life. When Kristen was trying to help, to make things better, to give me a hug before lunch today I told her this. I told her I wanted the pain to go away. I told her I wanted to go to a time before this summer when I could just breathe and be happy. She said that things had to happen and that I shouldn't wish for something like that. I told her I knew that, and that I didn't regret, but that I hadn't thought life would fall apart so completely. She knows what I mean.

In the last year:
my dad walked back into my life (but only for a moment and to send me birthday checks)
my sister walked out of my house (and my life)
I spent too many nights crying because I could hear an argument in the other room
A close friend went through hell in a relationship and I wasn't sure how to be there to help when I didn't want her there to begin with
People I'm around think to little of themselves
I've been losing my best friend

Heather


I want you to

all the roads we have to walk along are winding

If there's one thing I hate in this world (because there aren't that many things I can truly despise), it's being sick. Most especially, missing things because I'm sick and this includes school. I knew I was risking being infected, but I let myself spend time with germ-ridden people all week. I hand sanitized like you wouldn't believe, I got more sleep than usual, and I tried to avoid physical contact with the confirmed cases of sickness. But here I am. I think Thursday was the first time I've left school early because of being ill since the third grade when I threw up on the soccer field during gym and I had to go home. I don't think I would have without the 20 + people telling me I looked miserable, without the texts I got from 3 people telling me to go home and get some rest, without Kristen dragging me down the hall to have my temperature checked by the nurse. I was determined to not miss review for my apush test, though I realized that I was showing some symptoms of the flu or some other sickness: fever, uncontrollable shaking/shivering, relentless coughing, sneezing, dizziness, utter exhaustion, total soreness all over in my muscles and joints, and a slight headache. So I called my mother and left during lunch.

But I don't have the flu, thank goodness. I'm not sure what it is, but it isn't the flu. Last night it felt like tuberculosis with all the coughing. I believe I coughed up a lung, so it's a good thing I have two of those. I'm really surprised I haven't coughed my throat raw and it isn't bleeding. But besides the continuous coughing, I'm much better now. My fever is gone, and all that's left is coughing and because of that, a very sore throat.

Towards the second half of yesterday, I started to feel well enough to actually do something, so I read. How great it was to read. I haven't gotten to pick up a book and enjoy it in a really long time, I've been so busy. And because of the book I chose (The Realm of Possibility by David Levithan), I feel like writing, which I also haven't done in a really long time. It's free verse, so I felt like writing poetry about anything and everything. I only wrote one and it's awful, but it's something.

Also, I've allowed my mind some time to think. Think about a lot of things actually. This doesn't really change anything, but I've started to realize lately that everything I thought was true about a good relationship isn't necessarily so. I've always been the type to doubt the "opposites attract" rule, not because I don't think that two opposite people can be attracted to each other, but because I don't think that's a lasting attraction that can hold for long. And I still think this is relatively true, but at the same time, my view has been shaken up a little. For all that we have in common, Paul and I disagree on a lot of subjects, or we have different taste in things. It's not major, but it's kind of amazing. It always seemed before like we were so much alike, and we still are, there are just little things. I didn't even really notice this until yesterday, when I was left to my own devices. Just an observation, though.

Music is such a wonderful thing. I think I'll go back to it now.

Heather

and all the lights that lead us there are blinding

do you think you'd call it crazy?

To feel alone when I'm so surrounded by crazy amazing people that I love? I'm not sure lonely is exactly what it is, but maybe isolated. There's a partition separating me from what I've known. It's like everything lately has been so equally fantastic and dreadful at the same time that I feel I'm the only one that thinks like I do. Which I know isn't true. That's why I can't make sense of any of this.

I can't even be upset about Jessica leaving, because I hate it so much that I'm denying it actually happened. It feels weird knowing she won't randomly show up at my house and eat my ramen. It's like the last month has eased me into this reality, but it still sucks. I lost two sisters at once (admittedly, I'm not too bothered by the one being gone, just the way she left) and it's too hard a blow for me too keep my feet and too sudden for me to prepare for hitting the ground. I got all angsty today and couldn't help but cry at something completely minuscule that I wouldn't have even acknowledged any other time. I want Jess to walk through that door right now and tell me she's never leaving and she'll always be there to get me when I just need to drive mindlessly down the highway, with no destination in sight, half screaming, half choking out the words to some teenage anthem that makes me a little sad for how much I want to be the person in the song but still equally happy that I could be and almost am at some moments. And in her hand needs to be a sonic drink of some sort that is exactly what I want at that moment, because she always knows.

Not making it any better is that nearly everyone is losing someone right now. I don't know how to comfort someone when I'm not okay myself. And I've never been good with the false promises of "everything is going to be okay" and the lame attempt at comfort with "I'm sorry. I wish I could help." I'm the type to say, "yeah, life sucks, but it won't always be this way. You can change things" (if the person can) or "everyone goes through this, but there's living evidence all around us that people survive it." But what am I supposed to say when that doesn't work or isn't what needs to be said. What am I supposed to say when I feel like a hypocrite because I can't take my own advice? I want to be the person who can help in any situation and that is never the cause of the pain. We don't always get what we want, though.

That is evident right now. Because I want to be done with schoolwork already. Because I want everything in my house to be normal (or as normal as possible). Because I want to stop thinking about and feeling the effects of Zeno's Paradox.

Don't think I'm in a terrible mood, though this post may suggest it. I'm doing great, actually. Or, I am most of the time. The happiest I am lately is when I'm surrounded by the right people or just close to the right person. I'm the happiest when I'm not over-thinking. Life is simple when I can just let go and trust that the free fall will be shared with someone who will laugh along with me and take the plunge into the water below. It's also nice to be able to escape into conversation and laughter and smiles and mischievous looks and shared thoughts and the sound of his guitar and the chaos of making dinner with 10 people running around the house and belting out the words to songs you love with an itchy feather boa around your neck and a lopsided cowboy hat on your head, friends at your side.

I need to invest in some belts. Really good ones that aren't too large, so I can pull my shirt down over them if I want but aren't too small so they don't look weird. Ones that I can wear with everything and anything. Also, I have to be able to fit one in my purse for emergencies, if I didn't feel like wearing one that day. Don't ask why. I just do.

I'm ready for it to be the end of September, so I can stop worrying and also, I'll be used to all this weirdness by then, I think. Plus, that's not too far away. Too far away would mean closer to the end and farther from the beginning, which isn't all bad, but isn't all good either. I'm content with now, but I'm not content with the worry and the missing. I want that to go away.

Heather

contrary, and I shine amazing

slender threads and things to treasure

Decided I like waking up early. I don't like the thirty of so minutes where I'm exhausted and don't want to move, but when I get up at 7 like I have been, I feel like my day is so much longer. I can do more. And if I get tired, I nap =)

I get done with volleyball at 11 (give or take 20 minutes, because we always get out late) and then I have the whole day to do whatever. It's nice. I wish I'd discovered this magic earlier. (pun). I've gotten so much done, and then some days I just kind of lay around, relaxing. Yesterday was the perfect example of waking up early making me day good. I finished the last chapter of Wuthering Heights, read acts 1 and 2 of a Doll's House, and then went out and had fun for a few hours. I went out to dinner and had the most delicious food ever then we watched August Rush. I can't tell you how many times I've seen that movie now. About a hundred, probably.

But now that it's Saturday, and school starts Monday, all that free time is over because my day will be filled with school (ech) and then volleyball and then homework (also, ech). But I'm super excited to see people every day again. And I'm also the kind of geek/nerd who enjoys school for the most part. Plus, I can't wait to be in charge of something! haha. Book club is going to be great...if only we can get the darn thing organized. I'm excited to start drama again, too. Even if I can't be in 12 angry men, I can still come to meetings.

So you moved in today. How did that go?

Heather

days like that should last and last and last

I wanna be right where you are

Summer.

It evokes drastically different feelings from every single person, that word. No one in this world feels exactly the same about the same summer. It has to be numerically impossible, or at least improbable. There are just two shorts weeks left of this one. Two very short weeks that I plan to make the most of. Usually, I'd be ready for school to start back. This time around, I'm not. For various reasons.

One of which is that so much has changed this summer. So much has happened. It seems to have flown past, but it likewise seems to have been forever. It feels like yesterday that I first walked the streets of True Blue with Kristen, but it feels like ages ago that I watched Hoodwinked with her, Paul and Austin. Just days ago, it seems, my sister moved out, when in reality it's been two and a half weeks, and sometimes it seems like months. As cliche as it could possibly sound, this is the summer that you read about or see in the movies. It's the summer that changed so many lives. It's the summer of so many firsts, so many hurts, so many joys. It's the summer that I can fully appreciate the line in your song that goes "thank you for the silence and sunsets and firsts" and feel everything that comes with it.

Another is that I won't be able to breathe when I go back. I won't have time, or space, or air. I'll have so much to occupy my time, at least until December, that I can't fathom having moments to just sit and relax or read alone. That's not entirely a bad thing, but it's an intimidating thought. Between book club, volleyball, drama club, ap, regular school work, a job (once I finally reach 16 in October), possible community service, and spending every free moment having fun with the wonderful people I call my friends it doesn't appear that school will give me any of the same freedoms as last year. It'll be tough to balance, and I don't care what they say about libras; that's not the easiest job for me.

There is no word to describe this summer. The closest synonym I can find for this summer is shift. A shift in everything. There's been a shift in every single one of my relationships with friends, an odd shift within myself, a tremendous, earthquake shift in my family. All of these have changed me, for the better I think. Though I can't really be sure.

I'm very confused. I'm scattered and scared and sick to my stomach. I'm antsy and amazed and just used way too much alliteration without realizing it. I keep finding myself breathing heavily or not blinking because I'm so overwhelmed. I absentmindedly bite my knuckles or rub my arms like I'm trying to keep warm. I feel in every deep corner of myself. What it is I feel, I can never be sure. All I'm sure about is that I want to be exactly where I am. Give or take a few steps in any direction.

Heather

'cause just a breath away is just too far

I am procrastinating, as usual. I'm devising every possible way of avoiding writing my apush essays. Which is not a good thing. Especially if I want to go out tomorrow, and there's no way my mom will let me if I don't have at least one finished. I've even resorted to downloading four complete albums. Great music, but not what I need to be doing. I'm also (obviously) blogging, though there's not really any news to blog about. I'm also planning on getting off the computer and ceasing work altogether when I get done downloading this music, so that I can do some laundry and a few other things. So even more avoidance.

Darn me for always waiting until the last minute. I was ready to write these essays when I first got my book. I even had a sudden burst of inspiration when I finished reading the first chapter and wrote the introduction. It took all of 5 minutes, at the most. Granted, it is terrible and needs a lot of work done, and I might even end up using a different topic and completely changing my thesis, but I did it. Now, I can't even write one sentence about mercantilism and it's effect on the political and economic development of the 13 colonies.

Though that is, understandably, stunting me creatively. Just read that last sentence. It's just awful. I mean, I have a lot to say about the influence, and I have a sort of kind of thesis, but I just can't seem to put it into words and a cohesive essay, that should be but is not required to be 5 paragraphs. For all they care, it can be three as long as all three paragraphs are expertly written, thoroughly developed and well thought out. Too bad I can't do that.

Has anyone bottled and marketed a cure for procrastination? If so, I'll take one, please.

Heather

i'm a walking travesty

I can't decide between crying and laughing. I don't know if I'm sighing from contentment or because I hate what's happening in my life right now. My hands shaking and my loss of appetite can either be from a happy anxiety or one that stems from fear and anger. I'm a human contradiction and I don't like it.

My family is falling apart. My sister and I essentially moved out Friday night. Jessica came and got me and I walked out the door with enough clothes to last me a week. I didn't say a thing to my mother who was yelling after us saying she would appreciate it if we asked if I could leave next time. I just walked out and ignored her. She didn't notice I was crying. She just yelled at us to be home at noon the next day and bummed a cigarette off Jessica's father (she quit about 2 1/2 weeks ago). Amy looked at me and said "I hate you a lot of the time, but you know I still love you, right?" We haven't even gotten along since I was in elementary school. I called mom Saturday and said we would be home that night either, and that we were staying with Jessica again. She called me four times Sunday. We didn't go home. Today we told her we were coming back at 11 and asked for her to be there without Jack so we could talk. She knew we were coming. She knew when. She wasn't home and her cell phone was on the table. We waited for an hour and then Jess had to go to work. We left. I refused to stay there if she couldn't have the decency to respect our wishes and be there at a specific time when she had nothing else she had to do. We left a note asking her to be ready at 6 tomorrow so we could take her out to dinner and talk. She didn't like that. She's commanded me to come home so many times since then but finally gave up, saying we were making everything worse and she didn't want to see us.

I want to go home. I want the comfort of my own room and to know exactly what I'll be doing and who will be there. But I don't want to be there. I've hated living there for months. My mom takes out her anger on us, she takes out her frustration on us, she takes out her misery on us. Jack is a jerk, always has been, and thinks he's right. He blamed us, he came right out and blamed us for the problems in their marriage. He blamed us for the fight they had Friday night that caused me to sit in the closet crying and wishing I could just get out. He blamed us for all the misery in the house. Amy refuses to go back as long as he's there and she's old enough to legally leave. Me, I have to go back to that house and sit through more and more dinners of edgy silence and quieted arguments that sometimes result in screaming matches. I have to continue to feel worthless and ignored and like I can't do anything right. I'm going back tomorrow morning and Amy isn't.

And the worst part of it all is that it's keeping me from being happy about something I should be happy about. And it's not the only thing getting in the way. I don't remember when the post was, but I do remember reading it a little over a week ago. It was a post in which I said I felt like this summer would be different and huge and amazing. I was right. Everything has changed. Nothing is the same as it was just a few months ago. And it's not all bad. Through all this crap, some good came out. I had my first kiss last night. With a guy who has helped me through all this. He's been with me every night since I left my house and he's helped me stay out of terrible moods that would no doubt have overcome me if he hadn't been there to cheer me up, to give me advice, to hug me.

And I'm so sorry about that, Caroline, though I know I shouldn't be. I hate being Ruby Oliver and wish that things were easier. I wish I hadn't been afraid to talk to you about all of this because it feels wrong trying to be careful and skirt around the details with my best friend. I never thought that I wouldn't be able to immediately tell you that a guy kissed me. I never thought that I would have to eliminate anything from any of my stories.

But I'm still unbelievably happy about this. I like him a lot and I like spending my time with him. I hope you can be happy for me. I don't want something like this to throw our friendship out of whack. I love you and don't want to have to miss you.

Heather

But I'm smiling at everything

tell me in simple words everything

Remember when we all used to blog often? I looked at my sidebar and I've only had 11 posts this year. And it's halfway over. What happened? Did we all suddenly get busy? Did we all develop lives in the last 7 months?

I apologize for never having posted on Don't Fret like I said I would. I can still post that poem I wrote for english class, but I have nothing else. Honestly, I haven't written in over a month. I kind of started a poem a couple weeks ago, but that's it. And you know, I think the problem is that I have too much to say and not enough fiction. My moleskine is getting lonely, but I'm okay with that right now.

So I was sitting in my room listening to Tickle Me Pink (they are accommodating to every mood, I have discovered) and thinking about things. I had given up on Wuthering Heights and my AP work for the day and was just kind of sitting there, which I've been doing a lot lately when I'm not out with someone. I looked at the drawings I have hung up on my wall and I realized I have no idea what I want to do or what I'm doing with my life. It's not like I just have no clue, though. I do have a clue. I want to be an architect or interior designer or graphic designer or own an inn or a bookstore or study sociology (don't know what I'd do with that, but I'd love to study it) or become a publisher or an editor or something amazing. I guess that's something to figure out in the next year or two.

But now, I just have to figure out what I'm doing tomorrow. Also, I have to figure out what to do in a completely new situation. This summer has put me in so many new positions that I don't know how to handle. And why does my horoscope have to be right this month? Gah! Did I ask for this? Could it be possible that I subconsciously wanted any of this to happen? Is this a wish gone awry? I couldn't have asked for this specifically. These are definitely questions running through my mind every night before I fall asleep, or any time I'm sitting in my room listening to music. I mean, I really don't like him.

And the worst part of it all is--the tragic truth is...I almost enjoy it. Or, at least, parts of it. I've never had someone call me beautiful this much. I've never had a guy look directly into my eyes like he does. If it was possible to kick myself for feeling so indecisive even though I know what I truly feel about it all...I would. A thousand times over I would kick myself.

I just want to stop sighing.

Heather

you thought you'd never say

I have dreams of orca whales and owls

I've been organizing at all hours of the night again. *sigh* I really should stop doing that and get some sleep. The product, however, is always nice. I always feel good after I finish and my room looks good again. I vacuumed. That's a rare occurrence, so my room looks super nice and clean. Plus, I even ventured into my closet where I removed piles of stuffed animals and my old toy box that I haven't opened in years. I put the stuffed animals inside and now it's waiting to be delivered to the salvation army whenever we can get around to it. I still have some things lurking in the corners of my closet that need evacuating but I just can't bring myself to do it, because that would just make a bigger mess and I don't know where else to put these things. But my desk is cleared off, there are no loose papers flying around, and I got rid of the hideous curtains that I've despised for the last 7 years of my life. I'm in the middle of painting a wicker shelf that has been a revolting shade of pink for as long as I can remember, but I ran out of paint. It's going to be black when I'm done. Right now, it's worse than when I started. Hopefully, I'll also paint my room soon. Purple. I'm excited. But that may not be for a while and I'm not holding out for it. I hung things on my walls, so obviously not.

The reason I started organizing is because I've become partially nocturnal. I literally don't get tired until 1 a.m. and if I try to go to sleep before I'm tired, I just get even more restless and stay up later. So I've been up all night long the past five nights, finally resting in my warm bed at about two every morning and waking up either at 8 or noon. Plus, it doesn't help that I text Kristen late because she's been an hour behind or that Zac texts me after he gets off work. I could just turn off my phone, but I'm not sleeping anyway, so what would be the point in ignoring them?

Also, I miss my mp3 player desperately. It finally keeled over last week. It will live on in my memory forever. I've had to resort to cds which become repetitive, and it's very hard to pick which artist I want to listen to next, and I'm sick of my mixes. Plus, my cd player doesn't do shuffle. So I always know what's coming next. Dull. I need to actually get a job (Mother??? Are you going to pay attention to me soon and take me to look? Do you want me to keep asking for money??????) soon--now--so that I can buy a zune or an iPod. It has to be at least 8 gigs though, so it can hold all of my music, though I'd prefer it to be more, just incase I want to get more music. Which I do. There are so many new cds out that I want plus old ones that I've just started falling in love with (Taking Back Sunday and Daughtry and The Fray and Company of Theives and the Kooks and Regina Spektor).

Fun starts in a few days. This week has been long, but it's almost over and summer can start again. I'm ready to feel like my summer is epic again. I'm ready for the nocturnal state to be fun and not productive. I'm ready to take underwater pictures and eat pie at 4 in the morning and laugh at Davenport and talk to Austin and be killed off first by Daniel and swim to the end of the pier and be tired like Sam and make movies and use the epic blanket and eat mac and cheese that doesn't take an hour to make and watch the duck song on youtube and fall asleep on the floor of the steelers room and have a personal space heater because it is freezing when Maur turns on the fan and just be really happy again. I'm already feeling nostalgic. =)

So how are you emilea? I miss you and you haven't posted in forever.

Heather

but I wake up in fear

I'm on fire now

There is just too much to say. I can't really pack it all into the limited capacity of a computer. Computers make interaction a lot less fun. But there are a few things I'm definitely leaving out, and not because I don't want you to be privy to the information, but because that would be breaking the rules and you know how I'm a stickler for rules. (Isn't amazing how I'm typing this for all three of you to read, but directing the last sentence to just one person? I'm sorry if I do that a lot. I think I do. Most of this post, actually is for Caroline, since she's been in Beach and therefore outside the realm of summer)

For Caroline (unless Emilea and Anna also want to read and be bored/confused. Scroll if you don't)

I can't list format this, and I don't think chronological order will be very easy but I'll shoot for the latter anyway. The epic part of my epic summer didn't start last Friday after we got out of school (sorry to say that), but my epic summer did start then. With Chloe's house and the pool and the loads of fun I had with y'all. It's just that I wasn't having the best day, so I didn't have the best time. Plus, I had to comfort Kristen afterward because of something Daniel didn't do but almost did and it was just awful. I hate him for hurting her so much, but I'm accepting that he will (this will have to be explained later if I'm going to do this chronologically. Actually, it will have to be explained in person. It's complicated. If you want to hear it, ask me). So I went home happy but worried about her, but it really was fun.

DAY ONE was Saturday, when I was given the option of Lifehouse/SunFun or Paul's party. I was sort of grounded but not really meaning that my mom was mad at me for unknown (never explained to me) reasons Friday night and said I could only do one. Well, the details for Lifehouse/SunFun were sketchy in her opinion and I didn't think I had a ride home, so I chose his party. Here's where the epic began.

There was a bonfire (you would have been bored, probably, in that case if you had come) and video games, obviously. And no delicious cake made by his sisters but there were delicious cupcakes again. I basically had tons of fun with Molly and Lauren and Kristen on the swing and got rope-burn but it was okay and totally worth it as were the scrapes on my foot, the dirt smudges all over the knees of my jeans and the permanent dirt stain on my shirt (all coming from me falling because I kept going and the swing didn't. Luckily, the only person who saw that was Daniel). Then Blake showed up and proved to be the most entertaining story-reteller ever as he reenacted the fight scene of Obsessed, every other sentence being "She just killed that bitch!" Needless to say, it was hilarious. So we took him with us when we quested to the creek. The quest started out as just Daniel, Kristen, Christo, Blake and I, but soon, people peeked out of the woods behind us in a very creepy fashion and we had a few tag-alongs, one being Suzanne who ended up leading the quest to the creek. It was fun and Blake gave me a piggy-back ride (Lauren, unfortunately, was not there to be jealous) for about ten feet before he decided to do something else. He was very hyper and Blake hyped up on energy drinks is very ADD. We got back, swung on the swing some more, Austin (Rowell) randomly showed up though he's supposed to be "on restriction" and the rest of the night just went happily until I had to leave at about 12:30. Andi gave me a ride home, and she was hopped up on tired. She was so tired she was hyper. It was great. I didn't get home until 1:15 ish, but my mom didn't even care. I guess because she knew I wasn't doing anything dumb like drinking.

Well, DAY TWO of my epic summer started with Jess coming by on her way back from the movies/lunch with y'all to pick me up and take me to Sonic with her so I could be picked up from there by Kristen. I had just been driving earlier for the first time ever and she ASKED ME TO MOVE HER CAR TO A DIFFERENT PARKING SPACE!!! I had worked on parking for all of ten minutes! I was inside the lines the first time everytime, yes, but not in the center. I'd only done it FOUR TIMES! Still, I had to move her car. Best part of that? It stalled. As I was backing out. FAIL! I was very terrified that I did something wrong and it wouldn't go anywhere and it was awful and then when we finally got it to crank I could not park straight to save my life. After three tries, I think, I finally got it in. I'm not parking anyone elses car again until I have more practice.

So I waited for a little while until Kristen picked me up and we went to her mom's house for a cook out and babysitting her cousins and neighbors for about an hour. After that, we had planned on going to a party at the beach but it had been planned by Alex Mosier so it clearly was a fail and ended before we could get there. So instead we went over to her dad's house to stay the night, still trying to figure out how to keep our night from failing miserably. Unfortunately, we ended up buying cookie dough and eating it while watching Lifetime dramas and late night TV (when I say that, I mean the Nanny. We were laughing at the Nanny!) We realized how fail our night was when I diet pill commercial came on so we jumped out of bed and started walking around the neighborhood. Jess got off at 11 and was coming to hand out with us after and stay the night. It was 11:12 when we called her and Kristen said "Hurry! We're watching late night TV and eating cookie dough!" to which Jess responded "Oh no! I'm coming!"

She came by and was driving down the street talking on the phone with us when I shouted "I see you!" and then she ran us over. Not literally, of course. She slowed down to a stop and I ran into the car shouting at her for hitting me, and then I got in and Kristen stood in front and jumped on the hood like she'd been hit while Jess drove the rest of the way (not far) to the house where she informed us Daniel was at a party and not Shelby's house like he'd informed us and that's why he'd turned down Kristen's offer to hang out (I skipped that because it was boring and useless and this is all you need to know about it). She'd learned this from Davenport (Couch) just 20 minutes before. So we decided to party-hunt. Not because we wanted to go but because we wanted to find him. We went to Davenport's house, picked him up, and asked him to help. First, we went to Jessica's house, where we believe there was a party but they hid it rather well when we got there. We believe this because Joey ran upstairs in a creepy fashion and closed the door tight behind him. Just a suspicion not backed up by fact at all. We didn't find it/him there so we went to (CREEPER) Jim's house. No party there, and we felt very creepy and creeped out just being there so we left and went back to Kristen's dad's house and just hung out there in the front yard. We stayed up until 5:30 in the morning when Jessica passed out on the sidewalk and then we went inside. Kristen's dad had already said it was okay for Davenport to crash there (he was forbidden to come home by his father) as long as it was on the couch (haha) or in the upstairs bedroom. So he did. We woke up at 10ish to caramel macchiatos made by her father.

DAY THREE:
We went to the pool (Jess, Davenport, Kristen, Me) for a couple hours (I only got a little sunburn). Then we decided to have a cookout that night. We went back to the house to get Jessica's keys and money to head to the bank, but we were locked out. We had to have Adam come by in the party van, pick us up and take us to Jessica's dad's house where we would leave from. Jessica had to pack for the cruise at her mom's house, and we needed to go to Wal-Mart to get what we needed foodwise and whatnot. So we went to Georgetown, dropping Davenport off along the way so he could fix his car. She dropped us in Wal-Mart and headed home. We only had 45 min before we had to leave so she could make it to work on time so Kristen and I were scurrying around like idiots and staring at the hamburger meat (people do that all the time, so we thought we had to. Plus, we didn't know how to choose what to get. We really felt like idiots then). We got all the supplies and paid with Jessica's debit card to make things easier then cash. We are splitting the bill so we all have to pay $20 so me and Kristen collectively owe her $40. I bought a new bathing suit because mine came very close to breaking when we were at the pool earlier. We went out, waited for Jess to pick us up. We went back to the house.

Jess left for work (she was coming back at 11), Kristen and I started cooking. We invited people over to eat then swim afterwards: Austin, Davenport (obviously), Daniel, Paul, John Sumner (he's actually really cool. I hung out with him some at Paul's party), Blake (or we would have if he'd been home the four times we went to his house, since he doesn't have a cell phone) and Molly. We would have invited you and Chloe and Danielle, but it was really short notice so obviously Danielle wouldn't have been able to come, and it was going to last late (until midnight when the pool closed) so I knew neither you nor Chloe could come because of beach and also because it was late. Parents and late don't mix well when you don't have a vehicle after 8 pm. Unfortunately, only two of the above came over and only one ate with us. Still it was fun. Until crap with Daniel happened. Kristen was upset, and her painkiller is Austin. So we went over to his house after midnight and talked in his driveway while he comforted her. When we left, we went to Waffle House then back to her dad's driveway where Kristen called Austin and talked to him for three hours. It was 6 when we went inside to sleep. Davenport once again crashed there, but by the time we woke up at almost noon, he was gone. He'd left a note and ditched, somehow getting his car key off the table next to our bed without any of us noticing.

DAY FOUR went something like this: I came home at about 3, saw DOLT sitting on my bed, read two pages and slept until eight when my text messages were piling up so much my phone was yelling at me. I went back to sleep at midnight, after reading DOLT for a few hours.

Yesterday was DAY FIVE, the day that I was the only one home because my mom and Amy were in North Carolina to pick up my mom's friend and drive her down here for vacation. Jack was at work. I rode my bike about 5 miles, my legs felt like jell-o, I cleaned the house, and I listened to music. Jack and I walked to Salad Creations for dinner, then he decided he'd rather have Arby's. So no healthy food, but at least I walked there! Read a little DOLT, went to bed.

Today, on DAY SIX I was supposed to have to babysit my neighbor's daughter all day, but they cancelled and she went to her mother's instead. So I rode my bike again, talked to people via texting all day, and was invited to hang out with Zac, Dominic, and Dante. To watch movies at the Giovagnoli house after dinner. It didn't happen. I never make plans with them. They bail or I can't. No loss to me, though. Instead, I talked to Kristen on the phone for a little while and we made plans for more epicness starting Sunday.

This was a really long post, but there was a lot to fill you in on. I could have called you, but it was already too late. I'll see you tomorrow, though, and fill in any empty gaps. If you have questions, which I'm sure you do, let me know. I feel like filling you in since I haven't seen you in about a week. Lots has happened. I'm having a great summer so far. I hope it lasts.

For all three of you!

I'm really hoping a visit can be arranged soon. Do either of you have a clue as to when? I need to know so I don't end up working then (don't have a job yet, am looking tomorrow or Saturday). I want to spend as much time as possible with y'all. I miss you! I was at the Waffle House and it made me think of you, Anna, and new year's eve. I don't know why, really, but I did. I would have texted you at three in the morning if it hadn't been for my phone being six feet under.

I finally got my report card today. Decent, I believe. But my schedule is intimidating. I have to start summer reading and my AP assignment asap. So I don't slack off and wait like every other year. I bet the two of you are very excited to get schedules and assignments, though. I would be. I wouldn't care if it was work, since it would be for gs.

I'm planning on posting on Don't Fret (like I said in my last post), but it won't be for a little while, because I have to fix the poem I'm putting up. I like it less now than I did before. It must be tweaked!

This is pretty much it for tody, don't want to lengthen it any more.
Heather

I think I'm ready to bust a move

I think about my lack of future

but all the things I have planned. It's kind of an amazing thing to have no substantial, solid future that is set in stone but to to have so many plans you don't know what to do with them.

Just as Caroline felt due for a new, upbeat post, so did I. It's not like there are any improvements upon life, or drastic events to report, just a change in mood, "a change of heart, a change of clothes." I have that itch for summer and all the happy, lighthearted feelings that come with it in the last two weeks of school. Even people like me who love the school year and hate bits of the summer anticipate the end of the year like everyone else. It's the weather, and the relaxed atmosphere that does it, I think.

I think the biggest change, though, is in my ability to share things with people. I think gs did it for me. Having to get to know people and become friends with them in such a short period of time changed me, I think, though it took the change nearly a year to fully manifest itself. I mean, it's amazing how close I've become to Kristen and Cam just by having a single class with them, and how much I've been able to tell them. I don't tell people things. It's just not me. And they know pretty much everything. No more than my best friends know, and not quite as much, but definitely a lot more than I ever expected to tell them. This is a positive change, for sure.

Also, having conversations with Kristen off and on all night Friday? Yeah, I learned quite a few things. Like that I'm not as much of a phenomenon as I thought.

This post had no set goal in mind, nor a planned topic of discussion. I don't even know what I will say for the rest of it, though I don't want to leave it at his. Other than I saw Zack Hodges today. Not in reality, but a guy who looked just like him. This doppelganger had the same posture, the same protruding adam's apple, the same glasses, and, if I dare say, the same wild hand gestures. I didn't hear his voice, as he was in a car and I was on a bus, and we were not within range (due to the closed windows and the metal and the air and whatnot), but I'm sure he sounded like Zack, too. It's a shame it wasn't actually him, though it wouldn't have mattered. We were going in opposite directions on a street, me to school, him to...well, I'll never know. Maybe his grandmother's house? Or Wal-Mart? Maybe he was going to play in a park?

Oh, well. I guess that concludes my post. I have a poem I think I'll put on Don't Fret later, but right now, it isn't a full triangle. I'm writing it for an english assignment, and I like it a lot so far, if only it was a full triangle. =)

Heather

and all the places I could learn to fall in love

Heather...

is tired of hearing about Austin C's face in a toilet.
was abandoned at Habitat (or would have been if Amy didn't want her hair cut. wtc?)
is glad she knows who to be friends with and has chosen the right people.
wants bacon.
is "word" (haha. Apparently, Austin R. enjoys denoting his agreement this way)
has this jittery calm feeling still...
is to be told lots of things by Kristen on Monday
is once again writing about Habitat.
is tired of having so many things to put as her status but never wanting to put them and never wanting them to be seen.
wants to write in "The Book" but doesn't want to tell them anything.

Also, Heather is posting because she feels like having something new up here. And because I have nothing better to do.

Apparently we're still doing habitat on Saturdays until it's done/school is over. Which is awesome. Next week: planting. I'm still working on getting the info for future habitat things (as in the ones in the summer, in tennessee and such)

Summer. It feels really close. It really is almost here and this year I know I'll actually enjoy all of it. For once. At least, I'm hoping so. I'm also hoping to do Swamp Fox (For anna and emilea, this is essentially a community theater in georgetown that our friend Kristen asked us if we wanted to do with her, and from what I hear, it's pretty awesome), but rehearsals are rigorous and take up a lot of the day and the performances start about when school does, so I probably can't do it because of volleyball. Which sucks. I love spending my time in a "theater" (our auditorium doesn't really count as such) with awesome drama nerds. I can't wait until our next WHAT meeting to vote for officers and everything. I think I'll run for president next year, vp this year or something. Treasurer would be nice, too, because I'd know how much money we have and wouldn't be guessing in the dark. Plus, I know how to do that already. I don't want secretary though.

You know what else feels close--due to facebook letting me see everything anyone ever does? Your departure, anna and emilea. Not like you're really close right now, but next year you will be far away together with all those other awesome people. I'm a bit jealous and also already formulating plans for visiting.

emilea, I'm really hoping to see you soon. Have you figured out when? I miss you lots. And I don't know if I ever told you this (or if Caroline did) but our friend Allison got her hair cut short--about a month ago-- and from the side, she kind of looks like you. Or did before I made myself stop thinking that and now I just don't noticed. But she looked a lot like you, with her short red hair and whatnot. It was kind of amazing. Made me miss you more, too.

Speaking of, is there any way the both of you could finnagle your way into a vehicle with us for a mass trip to Raleigh on June 23? If I said it was for Owl City and Relient K? I mean, we don't even know if we'll be allowed to go yet, but if we are, I want to figure out a way for both of you to come as well. That's the closest they'll be on tour and the cheapest tickets, luckily.

Anyways, I'm really out of topics of bloggery, so I'm going to go dream. (daydream is more likely, because I probably won't fall asleep anytime soon)
Heather

let it rock, let it roll

I'm so calmly jittery nearly every day recently. Today, it's a good thing. I'm in a very good mood for no apparent reason at all. It's like, though I'm not reuniting with any amazing people today--in fact, I've seen no one all day--I'm very excited and happy. It's as if I'm actually at prom right now, instead of sitting at home while a bunch of my friends are there. It would have been nice to go, but sitting at home is for some very odd reason just as nice.

I worked out today, and actually went running--albeit only down the street, then I walked for about an hour. I lifted, did crunches, and did push ups. That may be the source of my mood. "Exercise gives you endorphins and endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't kill their husbands."

Plus, the alternative music channel is playing, which is the best one, and I don't have any homework, I don't have any chores, I don't have to do anything. I feel very funny today, too. Like I can make loads of jokes and only bits of them won't be funny. I know this is completely false, but I feel like it.

I feel like road-tripping. And documenting. I told my mom today that I wanted a video camera to document my summer. She didn't get it. I'd love to just document the next two years, actually, but I don't think that would work out with school and all. And no one would want to talk to me because I'd have a video camera instead of a face. But summer, definitely. I feel so teenage right now because I want something huge to happen, something life-changing, something extraordinary. I want to be standing this close to Will Pugh of Cartel as he screams the lyrics to "Burn This City" or to be right next to Chris Martin as he dances like an idiot or drowning in the amazing words of Owl City and Relient K. Or, if I can't do concerts, I want to be at the top of a bridge, ready to drop down with only a bungee cord holding me up or wake-boarding without falling or sledding/snow boarding down a mountain with no fear. Toned down a notch, riding around in my best friends car with all my friends around me laughing and singing (on or off-key) to the radio or dancing on the beach to freaking awesome music as Blake whips out his skilled moves or just doing something.

I'm happy where I am, but I feel on the edge of something new, and it's exciting. I don't know what it is, but I hope things are better after it happens. The best thing, though, would be if my family won the lottery. I know things aren't going well right now, and they've been talking about it a lot and how they might need to take out a loan to pay for May's bills and I just want that to stop. Every time they talked about it I feel so bad because I can't help. I'm getting a job this summer, though, so maybe that will be the source of the change? Apparently Austin applied there, too, and he's always fun to be around.

I miss you so much, emilea and hope you can get down here soon, and I guess I'll see you sometime in the summer, anna? Hopefully?

Love you,
Heather

This post is ridiculous, isn't it? =)

Stay with me Thursday...

So an explanation of sorts for why Emma has moved to Friday and Saturday (as opposed to Thursday and Friday):

I'm not telling the whole ranty story, because I've told it plenty of times to other people and have gotten my ranting out and don't want it to come back. But the simple story of it all is that the drama club at our school is hated and disliked and doesn't even get funding of any sort and is always displaced. So, without telling us or checking with the supervisor (Mrs. Riley), administration changed the date of our performance from the 26th and 27th of March to the 2nd and 3rd of April. We were all very angered about this and didn't even know why it had happened because Mrs. Riley hadn't even come to rehearsal yet because she was off somewhere talking angrily with people.

Turns out, Karli (the third largest female role) can't be there the 2nd and 3rd because she's going to Florida for her birthday and to visit her grandparents. Mrs. Riley jumps up and down at this because this gives her a legitimate excuse to complain to administration and to get the date changed back. Especially since Karli was crying because she couldn't be there. So a few hours later, after the principal of our school finally arrived (late) Mrs. Riley came back at the end of rehearsal and says "So here are our options--and it's up to you what we do: turns out taht the 26th is the only issue so we can just have one show on Firday--and I think you've worked to hard for and are much better than one show, or we can do two shows on Friday and Saturday. It'll be tough to get people in here on a Saturday night, but we can do it if you want."

Of course, we all chose Saturday. So now, Emilea, Anna, if you want to come, it'll be EASIER! The plan might go off without any problems now!

We should figure out everything soon. I hope y'all can come!

Heather

but you'll always be his girl, his girl Friday, his girl Friday, his girl Friday

I'll go where the weather's nice and warm

Because that's better than 24 degree weather minus snow. Especially since someone got snow not too long ago and it was only 30-ish degrees. *cough* emilea *cough* And my toes were most definitely frozen for a good hour after I entered the school. I was not wearing flip-flops, either. Just my bowling shoes, which aren't the warmest shoes I own, but aren't cold.

I'll also go where there's a good THE-AH-TAH instead of our dinky high school auditorium. One with a backstage and a place where actors sit when they don't have lines for 10 more scenes. And the smoothness of yesterday's rehearsal for Emma was most definitely too smooth. Especially since today we didn't even get through a single scene once and move on. Every. Single. Scene we had to stop and/or start over and run it again. I realize that it's the beginning of tech rehearsals, but yesterday went so perfectly. Murphy's Law, ladies and gentleman. The last few dress rehearsals will be so stressful.

But my part is going well, I think. Blake said I was the best and his favorite character in the play. (See, she is such an idiot. He's so nice). And Lauren said that I was doing really well, and she told her mother to keep an eye out for me to enter when we perform, because I'd be the really good one that talks a lot. I think they're both exaggerating, but it's a good sign. Plus, I do have all my lines memorized, which allows for much more characterization. But that also means that everyone else has the potential to show me up, once they have their lines memorized.

And everyone, in my opinion, is doing really well. Most, in fact, are exceeding my expectations. I definitely did not think Lenny had such skill, and Lauren's narrator voice is fantastic (but I thought she'd do great), and Austin is even doing better than I expected. Not on his entrances and cues, but, you know, in his acting and whatnot.

I wish that y'all could come see it. The set is pretty good, and we're getting actual costumes this year! Tay!!! And, obviously, it's EMMA so it's great anyway, without everything else. Plus, I want to see you, emilea! I miss you!

But to the point of the post:

CREATE YOUR BAND NAME & ALBUM COVER:

To Do This

1 - Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random”or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:RandomThe first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Quotations Page and select "random quotations"or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7daysThird picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use Photobucket or similar to put it all together.


And since Michael Foot (that's what it is, if you can't tell. It turned out blurry for some reason) and Stripped Treeshrew are going on tour together, they need an opening act. So I did another one. (I also did another one because I'm procrastinating doing my english homework and because it was so much fun the first time. Also, I'm lame. And when I told Austin today that I had no "spare time" he asked me what I did so that I didn't have spare time--after asking me what I meant by that--I couldn't really think of anything. Except that on every Saturday from here to eternity--meaning mid-April--I'm busy. But Fridays? Nothing so far. Sundays? Just the bowling this weekend. Weekdays? Just homework and rehearsal, but nothing interesting. I feel very anti-social these past few days). You know what, am I allowed to change my band? I like our opening act better than my band. Maybe I'll just aBANDon my fellow band members and join Brickyard Kennedy.

Anyway. That's all for today.

Heather

How To Build A House

Step 1: Join a service club. Get involved. Do charity work that you don't know you are doing.

Step 2: Feel like a loser for not knowing you are doing all this stuff.

Step 3: Walk to Mrs. Bray's room after repeatedly harassing yourself for forgetting to do so sooner.

Step 4: Write your name on a sheet of paper

Step 5: Go to school at 12:30pm on a Saturday with all of your best friends and build.


I really can't wait to start construction on our Habitat House. Especially after writing the club update today and yesterday for the "newspaper". Since EVERY SINGLE CLUB in our entire school is helping with Habitat for Humanity this semester. I might as well just stick a huge banner across the front page and say "No club updates this semester. All working on house" and be done with it. It's simple, really.

But after reading How to Build a House last summer, I really, really, really feel like doing this, you know? It's kind of exciting participating in something so huge and so great for somebody. Plus, it's something on my resolutions. Do something good for somebody.

And I'm apparently getting a very large surprise next week, but am not to be told what it is until it has arrived. And I must be on my very best behavior or else I won't get it and will cry. I'm hoping this means a phone, but I have no reason to believe so. It's just my first suspicion, since I want it so bad. And I'd actually be able to talk to all of you on a pretty normal basis. Which would be cool. Since Anna isn't ever on facebook when I am anymore. Stupid English and Emma making me so busy.

Speaking of, my mom looked at me like I was the craziest person in the world and should be sent to a mental infirmary the first instant possible when I told her she had to help me put my hair up in a regency style bun-like thing and make it hold for hours because we are responsible for both hair and makeup. She laughed. A whole lot. Wouldn't stop, in fact. But it's got to happen some way or another. And I don't know how to do stage makeup. Actually, I'm rather bad at makeup in general. I don't use it, normally, so I'm a bit out of practice. And I suck with eyeliner. And I look weird with mascara. And I don't know. But, like I said, it's got to happen some way or another.

Just thought the blogosphere needed a little life. Since it apparently died last week.

Heather

pardon the ramen soup stains

You know what I didn't even realize until now? That last post? It was the 100th.

I'm in the middle of being elated at the fact that I have such a self-sacrificing friend. Dominic is going to try to switch out of gym into desktop publishing. I've tried to give him a fair warning, but he said he would do it to save us from the boredom. Plus, he thinks it sounds interesting. I learn new things about him everyday. I just told him we talk about him. Let's see how this goes over.

But today feels really fresh. I'm kind of glad we had school today, so we could bring in the new all together. The Inaugural Address was good, in general my classes are good, and the snow flurries flying outside my window? That's good too. Plust the two hour delay in school tomorrow. And the fact that I'm writing again. I haven't done that in weeks. It feels good to put pen to moleskine notebook paper.

It's a short post, but I felt like posting something. I think it's a new day. A new post was needed.

Heather

but I'm feeling happy

all mexican food-ed out

What did we have for dinner? Burritos. My mother couldn't pick a day when I hadn't already had mexican food, no! She had to pick the day I go to Habeneros. People keep saying Habs and it's really annoying. Just say the whole thing!

So I decided to start journaling. Just writing whatever I'm thinking when I decide to write. I'm going to take to carrying it around with me at school, too. Because I want to be Hank and John and read it ten years later and laugh. From what he read, I think that John's could be turned into a book. Not a very good one, but a funny one. So maybe one day mine can? Actually, no. That's not why I'm writing it. I just want to be able to reminisce ten years from now.

The first entry just talks about what I've just said. How I want to journal for the sake of memories. And I'm going to make a point of not mentioning Amy or Natasha in it at all. =)

"People get mad when you tell them you wouldn't cry if they died."
"Wow, I hope I didn't learn that from experience"

Actually, come to think of it. This blog is kind of my journal. Hmm. Wow, that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and sentimental inside. For real.

My parents are going to play pool tonight. Which makes me think of Walker and his special pool skills. I miss that pool table. I've actually been thinking about random things I'd forgotten about governor's school a lot lately. Random memories and stuff. I think I want to make more memories that good this summer. That's one of my new year's resolutions--make lots and lots of memories. Make my high school years truly the best in my life. Have experiences to write about.

I figure I should just reveal my resolutions slowly, over a period of time. Because I haven't even thought of some of them yet.

that's all really. I was just tired of looking at that post.

Heather

All these things I hate

I hate how little things change with the new year. Everything feels exactly the same and I'm not sure I want that.

I also hate how I'm debating actually finishing my application and sending it in. I mean, I really really really want to go, but I know that even if I do get in, I probably won't be able to, and I'm not sure it's the best idea to go, but I just loved it so much those two weeks and want to do that for two years. In a weird way, I felt more at home there than I have anywhere else my entire life. Plus, the people were just so much more accepting of you weirdness because they're all weird.

And if you went I would miss you and don't know what I would do without you.

So I'm trying to just do it and get it done and if it's not that great then it doesn't matter because then it's easier for me to decide.

That's the only thing that changed with the new year. Not wanting to send in my application.

I'm not going to make resolutions out loud this year because I want to do them myself. And because I don't want other people knowing that I didn't accomplish them. Because then I feel bad because emilea is a better person than I am. (You so are. You're the best person I know).

But I will make one out loud (or in writing, in a public-ish venue, on the internet):

1) Next year, we are TOTALLY celebrating New Year's Eve in a Waffle House. And you know what we'll talk about? The road trip.

hope I didn't freak you out,
Heather

wear your heart on your sleeve, make things hard to believe.

(Also, I hate how much I still like him even though we've had nearly zero contact for over a month and how much I fell for him to begin with even though he was across the country. And I hate how he gives hugs, because it makes me like him more. I hate that)