do you think you'd call it crazy?

To feel alone when I'm so surrounded by crazy amazing people that I love? I'm not sure lonely is exactly what it is, but maybe isolated. There's a partition separating me from what I've known. It's like everything lately has been so equally fantastic and dreadful at the same time that I feel I'm the only one that thinks like I do. Which I know isn't true. That's why I can't make sense of any of this.

I can't even be upset about Jessica leaving, because I hate it so much that I'm denying it actually happened. It feels weird knowing she won't randomly show up at my house and eat my ramen. It's like the last month has eased me into this reality, but it still sucks. I lost two sisters at once (admittedly, I'm not too bothered by the one being gone, just the way she left) and it's too hard a blow for me too keep my feet and too sudden for me to prepare for hitting the ground. I got all angsty today and couldn't help but cry at something completely minuscule that I wouldn't have even acknowledged any other time. I want Jess to walk through that door right now and tell me she's never leaving and she'll always be there to get me when I just need to drive mindlessly down the highway, with no destination in sight, half screaming, half choking out the words to some teenage anthem that makes me a little sad for how much I want to be the person in the song but still equally happy that I could be and almost am at some moments. And in her hand needs to be a sonic drink of some sort that is exactly what I want at that moment, because she always knows.

Not making it any better is that nearly everyone is losing someone right now. I don't know how to comfort someone when I'm not okay myself. And I've never been good with the false promises of "everything is going to be okay" and the lame attempt at comfort with "I'm sorry. I wish I could help." I'm the type to say, "yeah, life sucks, but it won't always be this way. You can change things" (if the person can) or "everyone goes through this, but there's living evidence all around us that people survive it." But what am I supposed to say when that doesn't work or isn't what needs to be said. What am I supposed to say when I feel like a hypocrite because I can't take my own advice? I want to be the person who can help in any situation and that is never the cause of the pain. We don't always get what we want, though.

That is evident right now. Because I want to be done with schoolwork already. Because I want everything in my house to be normal (or as normal as possible). Because I want to stop thinking about and feeling the effects of Zeno's Paradox.

Don't think I'm in a terrible mood, though this post may suggest it. I'm doing great, actually. Or, I am most of the time. The happiest I am lately is when I'm surrounded by the right people or just close to the right person. I'm the happiest when I'm not over-thinking. Life is simple when I can just let go and trust that the free fall will be shared with someone who will laugh along with me and take the plunge into the water below. It's also nice to be able to escape into conversation and laughter and smiles and mischievous looks and shared thoughts and the sound of his guitar and the chaos of making dinner with 10 people running around the house and belting out the words to songs you love with an itchy feather boa around your neck and a lopsided cowboy hat on your head, friends at your side.

I need to invest in some belts. Really good ones that aren't too large, so I can pull my shirt down over them if I want but aren't too small so they don't look weird. Ones that I can wear with everything and anything. Also, I have to be able to fit one in my purse for emergencies, if I didn't feel like wearing one that day. Don't ask why. I just do.

I'm ready for it to be the end of September, so I can stop worrying and also, I'll be used to all this weirdness by then, I think. Plus, that's not too far away. Too far away would mean closer to the end and farther from the beginning, which isn't all bad, but isn't all good either. I'm content with now, but I'm not content with the worry and the missing. I want that to go away.

Heather

contrary, and I shine amazing

slender threads and things to treasure

Decided I like waking up early. I don't like the thirty of so minutes where I'm exhausted and don't want to move, but when I get up at 7 like I have been, I feel like my day is so much longer. I can do more. And if I get tired, I nap =)

I get done with volleyball at 11 (give or take 20 minutes, because we always get out late) and then I have the whole day to do whatever. It's nice. I wish I'd discovered this magic earlier. (pun). I've gotten so much done, and then some days I just kind of lay around, relaxing. Yesterday was the perfect example of waking up early making me day good. I finished the last chapter of Wuthering Heights, read acts 1 and 2 of a Doll's House, and then went out and had fun for a few hours. I went out to dinner and had the most delicious food ever then we watched August Rush. I can't tell you how many times I've seen that movie now. About a hundred, probably.

But now that it's Saturday, and school starts Monday, all that free time is over because my day will be filled with school (ech) and then volleyball and then homework (also, ech). But I'm super excited to see people every day again. And I'm also the kind of geek/nerd who enjoys school for the most part. Plus, I can't wait to be in charge of something! haha. Book club is going to be great...if only we can get the darn thing organized. I'm excited to start drama again, too. Even if I can't be in 12 angry men, I can still come to meetings.

So you moved in today. How did that go?

Heather

days like that should last and last and last

I wanna be right where you are

Summer.

It evokes drastically different feelings from every single person, that word. No one in this world feels exactly the same about the same summer. It has to be numerically impossible, or at least improbable. There are just two shorts weeks left of this one. Two very short weeks that I plan to make the most of. Usually, I'd be ready for school to start back. This time around, I'm not. For various reasons.

One of which is that so much has changed this summer. So much has happened. It seems to have flown past, but it likewise seems to have been forever. It feels like yesterday that I first walked the streets of True Blue with Kristen, but it feels like ages ago that I watched Hoodwinked with her, Paul and Austin. Just days ago, it seems, my sister moved out, when in reality it's been two and a half weeks, and sometimes it seems like months. As cliche as it could possibly sound, this is the summer that you read about or see in the movies. It's the summer that changed so many lives. It's the summer of so many firsts, so many hurts, so many joys. It's the summer that I can fully appreciate the line in your song that goes "thank you for the silence and sunsets and firsts" and feel everything that comes with it.

Another is that I won't be able to breathe when I go back. I won't have time, or space, or air. I'll have so much to occupy my time, at least until December, that I can't fathom having moments to just sit and relax or read alone. That's not entirely a bad thing, but it's an intimidating thought. Between book club, volleyball, drama club, ap, regular school work, a job (once I finally reach 16 in October), possible community service, and spending every free moment having fun with the wonderful people I call my friends it doesn't appear that school will give me any of the same freedoms as last year. It'll be tough to balance, and I don't care what they say about libras; that's not the easiest job for me.

There is no word to describe this summer. The closest synonym I can find for this summer is shift. A shift in everything. There's been a shift in every single one of my relationships with friends, an odd shift within myself, a tremendous, earthquake shift in my family. All of these have changed me, for the better I think. Though I can't really be sure.

I'm very confused. I'm scattered and scared and sick to my stomach. I'm antsy and amazed and just used way too much alliteration without realizing it. I keep finding myself breathing heavily or not blinking because I'm so overwhelmed. I absentmindedly bite my knuckles or rub my arms like I'm trying to keep warm. I feel in every deep corner of myself. What it is I feel, I can never be sure. All I'm sure about is that I want to be exactly where I am. Give or take a few steps in any direction.

Heather

'cause just a breath away is just too far