do you think you'd call it crazy?

To feel alone when I'm so surrounded by crazy amazing people that I love? I'm not sure lonely is exactly what it is, but maybe isolated. There's a partition separating me from what I've known. It's like everything lately has been so equally fantastic and dreadful at the same time that I feel I'm the only one that thinks like I do. Which I know isn't true. That's why I can't make sense of any of this.

I can't even be upset about Jessica leaving, because I hate it so much that I'm denying it actually happened. It feels weird knowing she won't randomly show up at my house and eat my ramen. It's like the last month has eased me into this reality, but it still sucks. I lost two sisters at once (admittedly, I'm not too bothered by the one being gone, just the way she left) and it's too hard a blow for me too keep my feet and too sudden for me to prepare for hitting the ground. I got all angsty today and couldn't help but cry at something completely minuscule that I wouldn't have even acknowledged any other time. I want Jess to walk through that door right now and tell me she's never leaving and she'll always be there to get me when I just need to drive mindlessly down the highway, with no destination in sight, half screaming, half choking out the words to some teenage anthem that makes me a little sad for how much I want to be the person in the song but still equally happy that I could be and almost am at some moments. And in her hand needs to be a sonic drink of some sort that is exactly what I want at that moment, because she always knows.

Not making it any better is that nearly everyone is losing someone right now. I don't know how to comfort someone when I'm not okay myself. And I've never been good with the false promises of "everything is going to be okay" and the lame attempt at comfort with "I'm sorry. I wish I could help." I'm the type to say, "yeah, life sucks, but it won't always be this way. You can change things" (if the person can) or "everyone goes through this, but there's living evidence all around us that people survive it." But what am I supposed to say when that doesn't work or isn't what needs to be said. What am I supposed to say when I feel like a hypocrite because I can't take my own advice? I want to be the person who can help in any situation and that is never the cause of the pain. We don't always get what we want, though.

That is evident right now. Because I want to be done with schoolwork already. Because I want everything in my house to be normal (or as normal as possible). Because I want to stop thinking about and feeling the effects of Zeno's Paradox.

Don't think I'm in a terrible mood, though this post may suggest it. I'm doing great, actually. Or, I am most of the time. The happiest I am lately is when I'm surrounded by the right people or just close to the right person. I'm the happiest when I'm not over-thinking. Life is simple when I can just let go and trust that the free fall will be shared with someone who will laugh along with me and take the plunge into the water below. It's also nice to be able to escape into conversation and laughter and smiles and mischievous looks and shared thoughts and the sound of his guitar and the chaos of making dinner with 10 people running around the house and belting out the words to songs you love with an itchy feather boa around your neck and a lopsided cowboy hat on your head, friends at your side.

I need to invest in some belts. Really good ones that aren't too large, so I can pull my shirt down over them if I want but aren't too small so they don't look weird. Ones that I can wear with everything and anything. Also, I have to be able to fit one in my purse for emergencies, if I didn't feel like wearing one that day. Don't ask why. I just do.

I'm ready for it to be the end of September, so I can stop worrying and also, I'll be used to all this weirdness by then, I think. Plus, that's not too far away. Too far away would mean closer to the end and farther from the beginning, which isn't all bad, but isn't all good either. I'm content with now, but I'm not content with the worry and the missing. I want that to go away.

Heather

contrary, and I shine amazing