It's absolutely insane when...

...life throws curve balls at you. And I mean insane curve balls that not even Babe Ruth could even brush his bat against. Curve balls that--let's say--the likes of which haven't been seen or heard of in about 12 years.

All these years and I never thought I would ever hear from or about my cousin ever again and sadly also thought that I would never hear about my grandparents either. But shockingly, out of nowhere, my cousin found me--starting with my sisters--on myspace and has updated me--basically starting, once again, with my sisters--on things that have recently happened. The good, the bad, and everything in between. It's so crazy...

But what do you do when the good doesn't seem all that great because the bad and the in between are obscuring your vision of the good?

What do you do when you find out that your father does exist somewhere out there in the world and that he would like contact with you after 12 years?

Well...I say screw it, and if I would actually be willing to talk to him, I would say it to his face, I hate him.

He basically ruins my life, isn't there, doesn't even come in to contact with us at all in 10-12 years, and then all of the sudden wants to be there??

I think not. Now you can see the bad, or at least the in between because my indifference to him kind of makes it fall into the in between. The bad however, is joined with the good and vice-versa. So now that my cousin has gotten into contact with us, she tells us that my grandfather(on my father's side obviously) would like to talk to us too. Curiously enough, she says just grandfather not grandparents or grandmother. No just grandfather. Because, apparently, while the estrangement was continuing, my grandmother died of some sort of cancer. This is awful because, I loved my grandmother. And this happened two years ago and I just now found out.

Now there's the good and the bad. My cousin, who I'm so glad to have contact with now, has told me that my grandfather would like to see us too, but that my grandmother is dead, that my father, who abandoned us, would like to see me(never going to happen), and that she lives near us.

The new problem is:

what in the world do you say to a cousin you knew last when you were 2?
what do you say to a grandparent that you last remember seeing age 6?
what do you say about your dead grandmother, that you didn't know died?
what do you say to the family members about your lack of interest in seeing your father?
how do you handle yourself when you finally see them, when just thinking about makes your eyes water?
how do you handle the stress of all this while still trying to go about normal life?

I have no idea.

I would like to answer them simply:

"Hey, I've missed you. I'm so happy that we could meet today."
"Hey, I've missed you too. It's good we could see each other today."
"I loved her so much. I only wish I could have been there that day, or that she could be here today."
"Oh, um, it's just that I have soo many other things on my mind, I haven't had time to think about it."
You walk in with a smile, simple as that.
What stress?

It's too bad none of these are existing options. Too bad you can't just pretend like it hasn't been over 10 years. Too bad you can't just make this have never happened. Too bad your life was this way to begin with.

The next few weeks will be very interesting--and virtually impossible to handle--but I'm ready(I hope) So...
Im out
luvya