not what I wanted to hear

I just read your blog, Caroline. I just read the bad things that happened/are happening to you and feel completely bad about causing part of it.

I feel like the worst friend. To you. To Courtney. To Allison. To Danielle. The only person I feel like I've been a good friend to recently is Chloe. And that's saying something because, before we got back from Disney, I hadn't had a real conversation with her in a long time. But, since we did get back, I've had real conversations with her. Note the plural conversations.

And I feel like I really haven't with any of the rest of you (excluding the one we had in Space Mountain).

And, once again, I feel like a bad friend.

And I feel like an even worse friend for thinking about something else as I write this. I'm not even thinking about something bad, just something hard.

I want the same thing as you. I want to spend every waking moment of my life knowing that I'll always have you guys. Knowing that you'll always be there and we'll always be friends. I want you guys to be my brides maids and you my maid of honor. I want my kids to grow up knowing you guys as second moms. I want to be old in a nursing home with all of you in the other room and have you guys walk through the door announcing that we are going to disney world and we are going to ride Rockin' Roller Coaster. I want to spend my last moments laughing with you guys and knowing that you love me. I want my last moments with you to be my very last moments. I don't want to spend my last moments without you wondering where you are. I don't want my last moments with you to be before my last moments on the earth. I don't want to last see you at our high-school reunion after many years of being seperated.

It doesn't sound stupid and cliche. It sounds perfect and us. I want it too.

I'm sorry. I love you. I hope tomorrow is better for you. I'll try to talk with Courtney. I'll comfort Allison(without telling her that I know, just comfort her when she's ready). I'll pay more attention to Danielle. I'll be a better friend.

♥Heather (signs off with tears welling up)